Going backwards, looking forwards

Happy Birthday Dunc, goodbye blog.

This is going to be my last entry, and I’m feeling quite emotional about it. Having said that, I can feel quite emotional about a pair of socks or a shopping list these days, so don't read too much into that.

It feels right to stop the blog at this point as there has been a definite shift recently, although I have felt worse of late.

I know that it’s going to be peaks and troughs. Sometimes it feels as though it’s taken this long to realise the enormity of the last year, and quite frankly I’m feeling very, very tired as a result. There’s often a sense of dragging myself around – to work, to home, to social events. I hope that it doesn’t show too much.

I’m often guilty for not having fun, because I don’t want to waste time – something that Dunc doesn’t have the luxury of doing any more.. That’s a tricky one to come to terms with. Sometimes Dunc’s death still hits me like a massive shock.

There’s now such a big gap in my life, which will never be filled and as life settles into the pattern of normality it only highlights that fact. I do often give myself a stern talking to as Dunc would. I know that I am solely responsible for my own destiny.

I am here, and it’s down to me, and me alone to get on with life. I think I now realise that a part of me will always love Dunc, even if I do go on to love someone else. That’s a nice thought, but I think it’ll be a struggle to be accepting of that when it comes. That's a whole other blog's worth though I think...

Anyway, that's almost enough from me - I will leave you with some things that I have learned:

* If something bad has happened to someone you know, don’t run away from things – say something, even if you’re not sure if it’s right. However, please do not profess to 'know how they feel' that luxury is reserved for them only.

* If something bad has happened to you, lean on your friends when you need to. If they offer help, take it. People want to be able to do something.

* Start a blog! It’s served so many purposes for me over this last year.

* Allow yourself to be tired/angry/upset. You aren’t a super hero.

* Do not underestimate the importance of sleep. Seriously. Or of love and fun.

I'll leave it there I think.

See ya - thanks for reading.

xxx

Penultimate Blog

So here’s the thing – I’m not feeling so great at the moment.

Much as you can anticipate the anniversaries and try and do the good stuff to compensate, they can really kick you in the face.

It’s all very unpredictable. The crying and general sadness quota has gone up of late, but hey – I am a widow, and it’s still very new, so I guess this is how it goes really.

It's also strange how the change of seasons can really affect you. Dunc always loved Autumn, but without the prospect of a trip out to kick the leaves about with him or going to buy all the tacky Halloween gear from the pound shop it’s not feeling so great – the dark evenings and all that goes with it – cold and rain – frankly, not so good.

I still feel that I’m in the transition phase and trying to look forward, but of late I have been drawn backwards.

I have made a decision about the blog. I am drawing it to a close very soon, and I will make the last update on or around Dunc’s birthday, when I first started writing it. Doing this seems like the right thing to do for a number of reasons:

- There’s not as much ‘news’ to report on these days, and I don’t want to just keep writing about how I’m feeling. I tend to capture the less than positive stuff, and it really is such a mixture of all things these days. I don’t want you getting the wrong idea.
- As a tool for staying in touch with people it’s great, but if you are reading this and know me – you’ve probably got a range of ways to find out how I am. I would like to know how you are too.
- If you are reading this and don’t know me, it’s probably not been such an entertaining read lately anyway. Thanks for reading, and almost goodbye.
- My virtual friend has decided to stop her blog. It feels like the end of an era.
- Writing my blog has been such a mixture of things to me – difficult, entertaining, a release, a chance to be funny (hey I tried), an opportunity to be creative. I’m going to carry on with writing, it will just be elsewhere.
- The blog was about ‘us’ and then ‘me with an us focus’. I don’t want that to change.
- There are other ways to remember Dunc and celebrate him. The Sunkan Dymonds collective are doing this and we have a website – go look @ www.sunkandymonds.com . I will also be setting up an online place for Dunc – everyone can then get involved with remembering. I’ll post and circulate details once it’s up and running.

So, almost goodbye then.

Strange & Sad Times

Although I think I'm generally doing okay, even quite well, some might say, the changing of the seasons do mark the passing of time, and I am currently remembering of a lot of the painful stuff Dunc and I went through almost a year ago.

As I've said before, I am trying to be as aware as possible of potentially difficult days, and attempt to do something about them to soften the blow or introduce an element of celebration into them, but sometimes it just catches you, and then it's like a slap in the face.

One strange example was last week when I decided to get rid of my sofabed frame. One of the brackets got lost during the move, and I have been left with the mattress part, but no way of putting the base back together. I arranged for the council to collect the base, but as I carried it downstairs I remembered the time when Dunc and I bought it. We were moving into the flat in Tottenham, and everything was okay and exciting. I suddenly felt disloyal for getting rid of the frame. I suppose it was a metaphor, and triggered strange uncomfortable thoughts. I've also been finding Dunc's writing in lots of places recently. It's not practical to keep everything, but who would have thought that throwing away a shopping list would bring tears?

I also have some very sad news in relation to my virtual friend. I have mentioned her a few times before - we met through the MacMillan website when Dunc was first diagnosed. She and her then partner, (later husband) were a similar age to Dunc and I. Her husband also had a very similar diagnosis to Dunc's. She shared her blog with me, and encouraged me to start one of my own. We have kept in touch over this past year, through emails, texts, reading each other's blogs, and one personal meeting back in May. I was so, so, sad to learn from her this morning that he had passed away early this morning. My thoughts and love are very much with them today.

I sometimes can't remember how my life was before Dunc's diagnosis, and before this whole world that I was blissfully unaware of opened up.

These are strange and sad times.

Facebook Update

I did something that seemed symbolic. I updated my Facebook profile to a picture of just me (although Dunc's wedding ring is in the picture).

Not too much of a big deal to most, but I debated whether or not to do it for some time. Is this a big statement? What will people think? I hope that most people who know me will want me to be happy and try to move forward etc etc. It struck me though how big a difference being widowed and splitting up with someone is I suppose. There are quite a few extra considerations:

• Am I a grief barometer for others? If I show signs of trying to move forward, will everyone else just forget Dunc? I can answer that one myself really, but it is a concern.
  
• Will people hate me/judge me for trying to getting on with things in an obvious non-Dunc way. Buying the flat and other associated stuff seems much more neutral for some reason.
  
• I still love Dunc so, so much, and that will probably never change. When he died we were still very much in love. If he'd left me in any other way, it would be so very different. If I could resent him for sleeping with someone else/getting bored of me/the relationship running it's course, all of these things would be easier.
  
• I can't be a mental ex to him. I can't shout and scream at him for leaving me, and then grow tired of it and move on.

Dunc and I talked about lots of important stuff post diagnosis. I remember a strong sense of him wanting to leave some type of legacy and not being forgotten, I can't do it all, or take responsibility for it all though. I have also realised that he was viewed in so many ways by different people. They all have the responsibility of remembering him - 'their Dunc', whilst getting on with life.

One thing we didn't talk about was me moving on after he was gone - there wasn't enough time for that really. I know Dunc would want me to be happy - he loved me so much and I have no doubt about that. He was also so sorry and sad to be going too soon.

It's all the seemingly little things that I now agonise over- wedding rings (I still wear both of ours). Still seeing people for the first time since Dunc's death and dealing with their comments and awkwardness. Well, that and the grieving still - that doesn't just stop, I suppose you just find ways to manage it and develop self preservation techniques.

Anyway, I updated my Facebook picture. It's not a big deal. Is it?

Damn That Noisy Cat

So it's my week off, and due to a very noisy cat I have been awake since 5:15am, with no signs of going back to sleep in a hurry. The whole sleep issue has been pretty stable over the last few weeks, but this morning I've had lots of horrible thoughts looping through my head, and so I've decided to make a cuppa, eat some chocolate and write a few things down.

Every so often I wonder what the point of the blog is these days - I suppose it serves a few different roles:

• Documenting my progress in case I ever feel the need to look back on these sad and crazy times.
• Acting as a communication tool with others - this was a main reason for starting the blog after Dunc's diagnosis. I know that a few people are still reading as a way to check in with me.
• Self counselling. This is the main role i hope it'll serve today.

One thing I couldn't get out of my head on waking was the strong urge to want to talk to Dunc and have a cuddle. Not a big important chat, just the sort of half asleep, vague chat I would have had with him if we had been woken at 5:15am by a noisy cat. It's those kind of silly, seemingly non-consequential things that I find I miss the most really.

I often want to talk to him - sometimes about big things, like how much I miss him, or big decisions I need to make to get his input. More often than not though, it's talking about little things - day to day mundane things that are missing from my life. Just because they're mundane it doesn't make it any easier to take.

I have most definitely accepted I am on my own now. He isn't coming back, I will never ever see him again, hear his voice, hold him. I accept these facts and sometimes I can accept them and feel okay, and other times (like this morning) it's very much not okay.

When you first lose your partner there are a lot of practicalities to consider, all mixed in with the emotions. I still have that too. I have a loft full of his things to deal with at some point. There's no rush to do anything about this, but it doesn't take away the fact that the things are there, and I will have to decide what to keep and what not to keep.

However much I'm trying to cushion myself with the anniversaries, sometimes things just pop into my head unexpectedly. This time last year Dunc had stomach pains - probably a food allergy, or IBS maybe? He would have received the letter for the ultrasound scan (11th September), but at this stage we were just going about our lives not realising what was about to hit us. Was that all really less than a year ago? In many ways it seems like a whole lifetime ago...

Maybe September's going to be the tough month, not December/January? Or maybe they'll both be tough, in equal ways? Or maybe it'll all be fine, and I'm anxious at the moment because I woke up unexpectedly this morning and my mind's been on overdrive? Luckily, as ever, September will be a busy month, and hopefully there will be enough distractions to keep me from moping and being too sad. Not that being sad is a crime or something to avoid all the time.

In this case I think it's completely understandable really.

Not Much

Not a great deal to report really - I was at a festival at the weekend, and I had a great time. A few moments to remember and miss Dunc too, as it should be.

I have this week off work and I'm looking forward to having some time to just 'be' and rest. I don't feel like I've been able to do that, for such a long time because I'm always keeping busy and have loads of stuff on. I think Dunc was always my counter weight in that respect - he saw the value of just relaxing and chilling out, and I need to remember how important it is to do. What's the betting I'll ending up filling up the days with activities though?

I also wanted to post the below, because I can certainly identify with it, apart from the piles of dishes (I have a dishwasher):

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/aug/21/really-thinking-new-widow

x

Learning curve

I do feel like life is having some qualities of normality to it these days.

I have a home which is mine. I like my home and I like the area in which I live. I have projects to do in my home, but that’s no bad thing.

I have good friends and a good social life. I have a lot of fun with my friends, but can let my guard drop too.

I have a job which has it’s ups and downs, but which in the main is the sort of job I want to do.

I still think of Dunc a lot – he’s always in my thoughts, but in lots of ways my life with him seems like a long long time ago. In many ways it was.

I've certainly learnt a lot about myself, and others. These nuggets of wisdom include (among lots of other things:

• You’re always stronger than you think you are.
• I'm lucky with with my friends - when I needed them, they were there for me.
• Even in the most seemingly out of control situations, you get choices about how you react to events.

I read a berevement forum occassionly, and a common feeling as time goes on seems to be anxiety about forgetting things.

I can remember Dunc and our life together in the way that I want to, but I don’t feel the compulsion to look at photos all the time. I still haven’t looked at moving images, because I think that would be too much for me.

There’s often an inward battle between remembering and moving forward, not upsetting yourself but allowing yourself that time to reflect and be sad.

I went to see Dunc’s tree last Wednesday evening. If I’m honest, before I went, I felt as though it was a thing I should do, a duty almost, to honour the fact that Dunc’s colleagues at MacMillan had gone to all that trouble to do such a lovely thing. I was a bit unsure about how I’d feel when I got there too, and even if I’d be able to find it.

As it turned out, it was a lovely thing to do. The spot that the tree is in is beautiful – it’s by a small lake in Waterlow Park in Highgate – a favourite place for Dunc and I to go. The tree that they have chosen is a maple, and the leaves were starting to turn red when I visited. There’s a small picture of Dunc attached.

I walked round the corner and saw it and it stopped me in my tracks. I had ‘a moment’ and got quite emotional. It was nice to just sit by the tree and take in the surroundings. A nice quiet beautiful place. Dunc would have loved it.

I walked from the park to Crouch End in the summer evening sun and as I walked I was looking at the houses and the chats that Dunc and I used to have about ‘living in a house like that one day when we’re older’. Sometimes it still hits me how bloody sad and pointless Dunc not being here is. I think I have been avoiding situations that ram it home (self preservation), but I think it probably needs to be done every so often, just as a check.

Without those moments I don’t think it’s as easy to keep going forward.

That’s what I reckon anyway.