If Only Tonight We Could Sleep

Going backwards, looking forwards

2010-10-05T11:58:00.010+01:00

Happy Birthday Dunc, goodbye blog.

This is going to be my last entry, and I’m feeling quite emotional about it. Having said that, I can feel quite emotional about a pair of socks or a shopping list these days, so don't read too much into that.

It feels right to stop the blog at this point as there has been a definite shift recently, although I have felt worse of late.

I know that it’s going to be peaks and troughs. Sometimes it feels as though it’s taken this long to realise the enormity of the last year, and quite frankly I’m feeling very, very tired as a result. There’s often a sense of dragging myself around – to work, to home, to social events. I hope that it doesn’t show too much.

I’m often guilty for not having fun, because I don’t want to waste time – something that Dunc doesn’t have the luxury of doing any more.. That’s a tricky one to come to terms with. Sometimes Dunc’s death still hits me like a massive shock.

There’s now such a big gap in my life, which will never be filled and as life settles into the pattern of normality it only highlights that fact. I do often give myself a stern talking to as Dunc would. I know that I am solely responsible for my own destiny.

I am here, and it’s down to me, and me alone to get on with life. I think I now realise that a part of me will always love Dunc, even if I do go on to love someone else. That’s a nice thought, but I think it’ll be a struggle to be accepting of that when it comes. That's a whole other blog's worth though I think...

Anyway, that's almost enough from me - I will leave you with some things that I have learned:

* If something bad has happened to someone you know, don’t run away from things – say something, even if you’re not sure if it’s right. However, please do not profess to 'know how they feel' that luxury is reserved for them only.

* If something bad has happened to you, lean on your friends when you need to. If they offer help, take it. People want to be able to do something.

* Start a blog! It’s served so many purposes for me over this last year.

* Allow yourself to be tired/angry/upset. You aren’t a super hero.

* Do not underestimate the importance of sleep. Seriously. Or of love and fun.

I'll leave it there I think.

See ya - thanks for reading.

xxx

Penultimate Blog

2010-09-17T21:02:00.009+01:00

So here’s the thing – I’m not feeling so great at the moment.

Much as you can anticipate the anniversaries and try and do the good stuff to compensate, they can really kick you in the face.

It’s all very unpredictable. The crying and general sadness quota has gone up of late, but hey – I am a widow, and it’s still very new, so I guess this is how it goes really.

It's also strange how the change of seasons can really affect you. Dunc always loved Autumn, but without the prospect of a trip out to kick the leaves about with him or going to buy all the tacky Halloween gear from the pound shop it’s not feeling so great – the dark evenings and all that goes with it – cold and rain – frankly, not so good.

I still feel that I’m in the transition phase and trying to look forward, but of late I have been drawn backwards.

I have made a decision about the blog. I am drawing it to a close very soon, and I will make the last update on or around Dunc’s birthday, when I first started writing it. Doing this seems like the right thing to do for a number of reasons:

- There’s not as much ‘news’ to report on these days, and I don’t want to just keep writing about how I’m feeling. I tend to capture the less than positive stuff, and it really is such a mixture of all things these days. I don’t want you getting the wrong idea.
- As a tool for staying in touch with people it’s great, but if you are reading this and know me – you’ve probably got a range of ways to find out how I am. I would like to know how you are too.
- If you are reading this and don’t know me, it’s probably not been such an entertaining read lately anyway. Thanks for reading, and almost goodbye.
- My virtual friend has decided to stop her blog. It feels like the end of an era.
- Writing my blog has been such a mixture of things to me – difficult, entertaining, a release, a chance to be funny (hey I tried), an opportunity to be creative. I’m going to carry on with writing, it will just be elsewhere.
- The blog was about ‘us’ and then ‘me with an us focus’. I don’t want that to change.
- There are other ways to remember Dunc and celebrate him. The Sunkan Dymonds collective are doing this and we have a website – go look @ www.sunkandymonds.com . I will also be setting up an online place for Dunc – everyone can then get involved with remembering. I’ll post and circulate details once it’s up and running.

So, almost goodbye then.

Strange & Sad Times

2010-09-05T18:50:00.003+01:00

Although I think I'm generally doing okay, even quite well, some might say, the changing of the seasons do mark the passing of time, and I am currently remembering of a lot of the painful stuff Dunc and I went through almost a year ago.

As I've said before, I am trying to be as aware as possible of potentially difficult days, and attempt to do something about them to soften the blow or introduce an element of celebration into them, but sometimes it just catches you, and then it's like a slap in the face.

One strange example was last week when I decided to get rid of my sofabed frame. One of the brackets got lost during the move, and I have been left with the mattress part, but no way of putting the base back together. I arranged for the council to collect the base, but as I carried it downstairs I remembered the time when Dunc and I bought it. We were moving into the flat in Tottenham, and everything was okay and exciting. I suddenly felt disloyal for getting rid of the frame. I suppose it was a metaphor, and triggered strange uncomfortable thoughts. I've also been finding Dunc's writing in lots of places recently. It's not practical to keep everything, but who would have thought that throwing away a shopping list would bring tears?

I also have some very sad news in relation to my virtual friend. I have mentioned her a few times before - we met through the MacMillan website when Dunc was first diagnosed. She and her then partner, (later husband) were a similar age to Dunc and I. Her husband also had a very similar diagnosis to Dunc's. She shared her blog with me, and encouraged me to start one of my own. We have kept in touch over this past year, through emails, texts, reading each other's blogs, and one personal meeting back in May. I was so, so, sad to learn from her this morning that he had passed away early this morning. My thoughts and love are very much with them today.

I sometimes can't remember how my life was before Dunc's diagnosis, and before this whole world that I was blissfully unaware of opened up.

These are strange and sad times.

Facebook Update

2010-08-30T00:23:00.004+01:00

I did something that seemed symbolic. I updated my Facebook profile to a picture of just me (although Dunc's wedding ring is in the picture).

Not too much of a big deal to most, but I debated whether or not to do it for some time. Is this a big statement? What will people think? I hope that most people who know me will want me to be happy and try to move forward etc etc. It struck me though how big a difference being widowed and splitting up with someone is I suppose. There are quite a few extra considerations:

Am I a grief barometer for others? If I show signs of trying to move forward, will everyone else just forget Dunc? I can answer that one myself really, but it is a concern.
Will people hate me/judge me for trying to getting on with things in an obvious non-Dunc way. Buying the flat and other associated stuff seems much more neutral for some reason.
I still love Dunc so, so much, and that will probably never change. When he died we were still very much in love. If he'd left me in any other way, it would be so very different. If I could resent him for sleeping with someone else/getting bored of me/the relationship running it's course, all of these things would be easier.
I can't be a mental ex to him. I can't shout and scream at him for leaving me, and then grow tired of it and move on.

Dunc and I talked about lots of important stuff post diagnosis. I remember a strong sense of him wanting to leave some type of legacy and not being forgotten, I can't do it all, or take responsibility for it all though. I have also realised that he was viewed in so many ways by different people. They all have the responsibility of remembering him - 'their Dunc', whilst getting on with life.

One thing we didn't talk about was me moving on after he was gone - there wasn't enough time for that really. I know Dunc would want me to be happy - he loved me so much and I have no doubt about that. He was also so sorry and sad to be going too soon.

It's all the seemingly little things that I now agonise over- wedding rings (I still wear both of ours). Still seeing people for the first time since Dunc's death and dealing with their comments and awkwardness. Well, that and the grieving still - that doesn't just stop, I suppose you just find ways to manage it and develop self preservation techniques.

Anyway, I updated my Facebook picture. It's not a big deal. Is it?

Damn That Noisy Cat

2010-08-25T05:52:00.004+01:00

So it's my week off, and due to a very noisy cat I have been awake since 5:15am, with no signs of going back to sleep in a hurry. The whole sleep issue has been pretty stable over the last few weeks, but this morning I've had lots of horrible thoughts looping through my head, and so I've decided to make a cuppa, eat some chocolate and write a few things down.

Every so often I wonder what the point of the blog is these days - I suppose it serves a few different roles:

Documenting my progress in case I ever feel the need to look back on these sad and crazy times.
Acting as a communication tool with others - this was a main reason for starting the blog after Dunc's diagnosis. I know that a few people are still reading as a way to check in with me.
Self counselling. This is the main role i hope it'll serve today.

One thing I couldn't get out of my head on waking was the strong urge to want to talk to Dunc and have a cuddle. Not a big important chat, just the sort of half asleep, vague chat I would have had with him if we had been woken at 5:15am by a noisy cat. It's those kind of silly, seemingly non-consequential things that I find I miss the most really.

I often want to talk to him - sometimes about big things, like how much I miss him, or big decisions I need to make to get his input. More often than not though, it's talking about little things - day to day mundane things that are missing from my life. Just because they're mundane it doesn't make it any easier to take.

I have most definitely accepted I am on my own now. He isn't coming back, I will never ever see him again, hear his voice, hold him. I accept these facts and sometimes I can accept them and feel okay, and other times (like this morning) it's very much not okay.

When you first lose your partner there are a lot of practicalities to consider, all mixed in with the emotions. I still have that too. I have a loft full of his things to deal with at some point. There's no rush to do anything about this, but it doesn't take away the fact that the things are there, and I will have to decide what to keep and what not to keep.

However much I'm trying to cushion myself with the anniversaries, sometimes things just pop into my head unexpectedly. This time last year Dunc had stomach pains - probably a food allergy, or IBS maybe? He would have received the letter for the ultrasound scan (11th September), but at this stage we were just going about our lives not realising what was about to hit us. Was that all really less than a year ago? In many ways it seems like a whole lifetime ago...

Maybe September's going to be the tough month, not December/January? Or maybe they'll both be tough, in equal ways? Or maybe it'll all be fine, and I'm anxious at the moment because I woke up unexpectedly this morning and my mind's been on overdrive? Luckily, as ever, September will be a busy month, and hopefully there will be enough distractions to keep me from moping and being too sad. Not that being sad is a crime or something to avoid all the time.

In this case I think it's completely understandable really.

Not Much

2010-08-23T12:10:00.003+01:00

Not a great deal to report really - I was at a festival at the weekend, and I had a great time. A few moments to remember and miss Dunc too, as it should be.

I have this week off work and I'm looking forward to having some time to just 'be' and rest. I don't feel like I've been able to do that, for such a long time because I'm always keeping busy and have loads of stuff on. I think Dunc was always my counter weight in that respect - he saw the value of just relaxing and chilling out, and I need to remember how important it is to do. What's the betting I'll ending up filling up the days with activities though?

I also wanted to post the below, because I can certainly identify with it, apart from the piles of dishes (I have a dishwasher):

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/aug/21/really-thinking-new-widow

x

Learning curve

2010-08-17T19:53:00.006+01:00

I do feel like life is having some qualities of normality to it these days.

I have a home which is mine. I like my home and I like the area in which I live. I have projects to do in my home, but that’s no bad thing.

I have good friends and a good social life. I have a lot of fun with my friends, but can let my guard drop too.

I have a job which has it’s ups and downs, but which in the main is the sort of job I want to do.

I still think of Dunc a lot – he’s always in my thoughts, but in lots of ways my life with him seems like a long long time ago. In many ways it was.

I've certainly learnt a lot about myself, and others. These nuggets of wisdom include (among lots of other things:

You’re always stronger than you think you are.
I'm lucky with with my friends - when I needed them, they were there for me.
Even in the most seemingly out of control situations, you get choices about how you react to events.

I read a berevement forum occassionly, and a common feeling as time goes on seems to be anxiety about forgetting things.

I can remember Dunc and our life together in the way that I want to, but I don’t feel the compulsion to look at photos all the time. I still haven’t looked at moving images, because I think that would be too much for me.

There’s often an inward battle between remembering and moving forward, not upsetting yourself but allowing yourself that time to reflect and be sad.

I went to see Dunc’s tree last Wednesday evening. If I’m honest, before I went, I felt as though it was a thing I should do, a duty almost, to honour the fact that Dunc’s colleagues at MacMillan had gone to all that trouble to do such a lovely thing. I was a bit unsure about how I’d feel when I got there too, and even if I’d be able to find it.

As it turned out, it was a lovely thing to do. The spot that the tree is in is beautiful – it’s by a small lake in Waterlow Park in Highgate – a favourite place for Dunc and I to go. The tree that they have chosen is a maple, and the leaves were starting to turn red when I visited. There’s a small picture of Dunc attached.

I walked round the corner and saw it and it stopped me in my tracks. I had ‘a moment’ and got quite emotional. It was nice to just sit by the tree and take in the surroundings. A nice quiet beautiful place. Dunc would have loved it.

I walked from the park to Crouch End in the summer evening sun and as I walked I was looking at the houses and the chats that Dunc and I used to have about ‘living in a house like that one day when we’re older’. Sometimes it still hits me how bloody sad and pointless Dunc not being here is. I think I have been avoiding situations that ram it home (self preservation), but I think it probably needs to be done every so often, just as a check.

Without those moments I don’t think it’s as easy to keep going forward.

That’s what I reckon anyway.

Where the sadness is

2010-08-08T17:59:00.003+01:00

Another anniversary has come and gone.

It was the seven month marker on Friday, and I wasn't actually aware of it on the day. I'd noted it in the days running up to it, and then I only realised today that I hadn't thought of it. I think it was partly because I was out and about, and partly because I don't see the point in deliberately attaching importance and gravity to days and dates if it's only going to serve to make it upsetting.

It's been another busy week (just wrote busty then and corrected it, it hasn't been that busty as far as I can recall). On Friday evening I went for some drinks with work - two key people who have been so supportive and good to me throughout everything have now left. It's going to be quite a different atmosphere in the office at work as a result I think.

After the drinks I headed to Brighton with some friends for Pride. We stayed in a hotel on Friday and then after a bit of wandering around trying to find the parade we got in it and had a fab time. I had a really nice conversation about Dunc with a good friend of mine. It's nice to be able to share happy memories, as well as acknowledge that Dunc's missing from events and fun. That's where the sadness is.

I got back to London last night and felt surprisingly okay today. Today has been very productive - I've cleaned the flat and managed to get a few admin bits done (you know how much I love my admin).

I'm starting to anticipate the next potential milestones - one will be Dunc's birthday in October. I think I might do something with friends to mark the day and celebrate/remember him. Christmas and New Year are going to present their own challenges, along with the first year anniversary of Dunc's passing. I've decided to leave the country. I want to do something completely different to usual and so I've decided to book a trip straight after Christmas and be away for New Year. I'm currently considering going to India, which is somewhere I've always wanted to go.

I am looking forward to having a few more free weekends over the winter to hibernate, but on the other hand I don't want to have two much time to sit and mope. I don't think that moping is my style really, but you never know.

Oh, yes and I should also mention that the next Sunkan Dymonds will be taking place on Friday 27th August at the Zenith Bar in Islington - all profits will be going to Action Aid.

Unexpected Contact

2010-08-03T20:35:00.002+01:00

I got a message on Friday through Facebook from someone who used to work with Dunc. He had bumped into a mutal ex-colleague of theirs, and they had the unfortunate task of informing him of Dunc’s death. It was lovely of him to send me a message saying how sorry he was, but it was also a bit of a shock for me to read it whilst idly standing in the bank queue.

I was been on the verge of being weepy on Friday anyway. Not outwardly (or at least not aware of it if I am showing it), but sometimes my mind will drift to places I don’t expect. Particularly first thing in the morning, whilst looking out of the window of the bus. I suppose it’s the same issue as when I’m trying to sleep – at work or when doing something with purpose, my mind is focused and I’m in control of my thoughts that little bit more. Idle time displays a chink in the armour. Better keep busy then!

I have been thinking a lot about how difficult to it is for people now to’get’ my situation. Reading the wedding cards the other day made me think how well thought of we were as a couple. It must be strange for people to think how happy we were together. People do say ‘I can’t imagine how it is/was/feels’. I suppose in one sense they’re right. I do suspect what they are actually trying to convey is not wanting their mind to go there and think about how it might feel if it happened to them.

I do understand that, but they also don’t anticipate how some days are fine, and some are even good these days. I like laughing, having fun, being me. I don’t feel I need to prefix statements with ‘it’s not the way I wanted my life to be’ or words to that effect.

On Friday evening I went to the ‘East London Bereavement Centre’ to attend a seminar on NLP. I went along because I felt that it might be useful to meet other widows. Maybe. Everyone there was nice enough, but I’m not sure grief is enough to link people together. They were all slightly older, and had children to think of. After the initial question of ‘how long?’ I got asked immediately whether I had children. I said no rather apologetically. I’m really relieved that I don’t have anyone else to think about and can do what I want. Should I feel sad because we didn’t have children? Well, I don’t. Sorry about that.

Sleepy sleepy sleep sleep

2010-07-29T21:13:00.003+01:00

Not enough of it frankly.

I have now unpacked the final box from our flat/previous lives. It had a variety of items in, including our wedding cards and Dunc’s last birthday cards. That didn’t help me to have a restful night’s sleep. It was a strange sensation – a lot of Dunc’s birthday cards had ‘thinking of you’ in them. Dunc’s birthday was the day this blog started, eleven days after the diagnosis, and nine after we were told he was likely to die. Not the happiest day ever.

The wedding cards were lovely, and brought back memories of the day. In the main it was amazing and very happy, but there were also moments of sadness too – we cried all the way from the reception to our hotel. Not sure quite what the taxi driver made of that really.

Now that all of the boxes have been unpacked, I seem to be missing the following items:

A pepper mill.
The bracket from the sofa bed which means I can’t put the sofa bed back together again.
A wedding photo of us both that I was given a Christmas present.

None of them essential items, but me being the sort of neurotic person I am, it irks me to not know where things are. Oh well, worst things have happened etc etc.

There is a lot of ‘stuff’ in the loft now, including Dunc’s clothes, and other things that I don’t want or need at the moment. The missing items may be in there, but I do not feel compelled to sort through it all at the moment.

August is a busy month socially for me, especially at the weekends, so I am trying to make sure I build in more rest time during the week. I’m really enjoying the garden at the moment. There’s something very satisfying about watching things grow and being outdoors. It's also an activity that has nothing to do with my former life with Dunc. I'm not trying to block everything out, but it is nice to do something that is purely me, and have some respite from too much thinking.

How am I feeling at the moment? Thanks for asking. Not sure really. I don’t feel too lonely or bereft on a day to day basis, but I do sometimes feel very, very sad. I’m generally busy, which feels like it is a good thing, but I am often exhausted a lot of the time, which ain’t so great.

I’ve recently realised that I no longer have to make so many compromises in my life. I’m so used to considering someone else’s opinion when making decisions – what to have for dinner, whether to watch that film, where to go on holiday, where to live, what to do… I don’t have to anymore – it's all completely about me.

That’s both liberating and terrifying.

Love Doesn’t Have To Be Measured By Sorrow

2010-07-24T09:26:00.001+01:00

Dear Darlin’

I sometimes can’t believe all the things that have happened to you and to us this last year. The night is still the worst time for me, but I am learning how to distract myself. I know that the bad thoughts are part of processing the bad times, and working things through. To try and ignore or suppress them would only cause trouble in the long term.

I think about you every single day, and a lot of the time the thoughts are really happy ones. Every so often, I get a shock when I remember you aren’t here any more and I can’t tell you about a funny thing I saw, or have a cuddle when the day’s been not so great. There’s so much that just you and I shared that I’m grateful for - amazing holidays and gigs, stupid voices and private jokes – actually, too much stuff to list, but you know about it all anyway.

The pain is gradually getting less, and the markers of weeks and months less prominent, although I know that there are still some rough times to come. Your birthday in October, Halloween, Christmas and the anniversary of your death are all days that I am very aware of, and will cushion myself for.

I don’t cry quite as much now. We did a lot of crying together didn’t we? I’m so grateful that we were able to do that together.

I am starting to look to a future without you. I know that you’d want me to do this. We were proud of each other and so lucky to find each other and share those years together. Things weren’t always perfect, and we did a lot of growing up together. I think you’d be proud of me now, and of how I’m doing.

I’m lucky that I have a lot of people that I can laugh with. I know that you had very little patience with self pity and moping. I am still very, very sad at times, but I try to hear you telling me to get on with things.

It’s a shame that I don’t believe in anything after this life, sometimes I wish I did. It’s a shame you can’t read this letter, but it’s nice to write it to you.

When I said that I’d always love you, I meant it, but I’m still here, and you’ve gone. Love doesn’t have to be measured by sorrow. I know that you’d understand.

All my love always,

Trina xxxx

Futures

2010-07-19T16:29:00.001+01:00

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about how unpredictable the future is. I used to assume it stretched out into the distance, and that it was something you could rely on. Dunc and I would talk about the future as though it was a certain thing, a given, and why on earth would we have thought otherwise?

Dunc's death has shattered that comfortable notion. I know that what happened to Dunc and to us is pretty unusual, but my experience has made me more aware of cancer and death. When you start to look out for it, it's around a lot more than you'd like.

I remember that when Dunc was first diagnosed, I allowed myself a few selfish days of wondering why, and directing anger at other people's situations. It's amazing how nasty it can make you - suddenly someone in their sixties who has cancer is lucky, because they've had longer to live and do things. I quickly realised that it's horrific - plain and simple, no matter how old or young you are. You enter a different world that others don't know about, and may find hard to understand unless they've been there.

Even now, I sometimes find myself looking at other people on the bus or tube and wondering about their lives, who they might have lost, and maybe what the future holds for them. The fact that none of us know what lies ahead could take over your thoughts, but I think I still manage to maintain some perspective on it.

I've had a busy weekend, and interrupted sleep again. Lots of fun, with friends, but as ever, this times can highlight the one person who's missing in my life now. I woke at 4am this morning, and just couldn't go back to sleep.I was going to test my lantern plan, but by the time I thought of it, the sun was up.

Today Aicha and I have made great progress on the garden, and I think it's ready to sow the grass and start putting plants in. Even this has made me feel a bit sad, as I know Dunc loved the idea of having a garden, but never did.

There just wasn't enough time.

What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted?

2010-07-15T20:37:00.003+01:00

I don't claim to be an expert, but from my experience, you just get on with things the best you can really.

I've had a few bad night's sleep, with my brain going into overdrive. It's odd, because during the day I'm normally okay - I have the occasional daytime blip, which can be triggered by the most ridiculous unexpected things - like rubbish love songs, or seeing something funny and wanting to tell Dunc about it. But most of the time, it's okay. When I wake up, every single morning my first thought is about Dunc, but sometimes that can be quite comforting.

The night can be a very different story - sometimes conversations that I had with Dunc during his illness just resurface from nowhere, and I can't do anything about it. It's odd, because the bereaved forum that I follow on the MacMillan site has suddenly become very active again, and it's mostly those around the six-eight month mark who are posting things. I did read a very good suggestion about just getting up and releasing a sky lantern into the air when you can't sleep, so I've bought a few to try it out. I'll let you know how I get on (hopefully by not torching my new neighbours property, or setting fire to my own home).

Apart from lack of sleep, I've been busy with work. At the weekend I went to a wedding of one of Dunc's oldest friends. I felt so honoured to be invited, but I must admit that I was feeling a bit worried about how it would feel to be there.

It was actually a really lovely day. A bit odd in places, because I knew that some of Dunc's other school friends were there, but because I'd only met some of them a long time ago, and some of them never, I didn't feel as though I could bound up and say, 'hello, I'm Dunc's widow'. I also managed the 'how do you know the bride and groom?' question fine. There was dancing, drinking and fun. I liked it.

It did make me think more about how I am just me in the singular. As time goes on, I am learning to view myself as a single person, and getting used to it. I do think about the future sometimes (I have to, I'm a planner). I don't intend to be on my own forever (I am only 34 after all).

For now though, I'm doing okay, just being 'me'.

Check In

2010-07-11T20:50:00.003+01:00

Very strange times at the moment (like they've ever been normal since I've been writing this blog). There's been a few anniversaries recently and I am now approaching a time where this time last year our lives where changing, as Dunc's illness began to manifest.

On Tuesday it was six months since Dunc died. I had anticipated feeling low, but it was actually fine. I had a 'normal' day at work, and although Dunc was in my thoughts, as ever, I didn't feel too sad. The time of his death came and went, and I was aware of this as well.

The rest of the week was okay - my school work is slowing down for the summer, and it has given me a chance to catch up with things. I had an assessed group work and I think it went okay (will find out on Monday).

This weekend I went to a wedding. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about attending, as it was one of Dunc's oldest friends who was getting married to his lovely lady. I was so honoured to be invited, and took my sis as my guest.

Earlier in the week it occurred to me that someone might ask how I knew the couple and I tried to plan the best response. I thought about saying, 'my late husband went to school with the groom', but then I was a bit worried that the 'late' part might make them feel awkward and not sure whether to ask more. In the end, when asked, I just left out the word 'late'. I thought that someone might ask where he was, but no one did, and it was fine. The knots that you can tie yourself into in this situation!

It was a lovely day, a real celebration of the love of two people, which is an amazing thing. I didn't cry once, but I did do lots of smiling, drinking and dancing. I am so glad I went along.

I've also had a productive day today without a hangover, which is quite a revelation to me.

I do often check in with myself, to see how I'm doing. I do know that I am lucky in being able to talk to my friends and work things through in that way. I can feel a slow shift happening in me, where I am starting to view myself as one rather than half of something that no longer exists. Dunc will always be with me in so many ways, because he was amazing and we had such as ace time together. However incredibly sad it may be though, I am still here, and I need to carry on and live my life as much to the full as I can.

I am aware of what other people's perception of me may be, but I can't be guided by that. I have always tried to be mindful of, and sensitive to other people's feelings, and that will continue, but I also have to be selfish sometimes to be able to look after myself. After all, I am my own responsibility.

Do You Realise

2010-07-04T19:14:00.002+01:00

Do You Realise - that you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realise - we're floating in space -
Do You Realise - that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realise - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realise that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realise the sun don't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Not my words, of course - lyrics courtesy of the amazing Flaming Lips. I sang that song to Dunc when he was in hospital and it will always remind me of him. I've heard it on the radio a lot recently, because they it played at Glastonbury.

The last week has been really busy, and I have passed some more milestones.

Last Sunday was a good day - Aicha and I went to our local park - they had a 'Green Fair' on. There's a real community vibe here in Walthamstow, and it feels as though people care about their surroundings and each other - much more than when I lived in Tottenham. After the park we went and watched the ridiculous England football match. There's a big screen up in Walthamstow town square, and despite the shocking nature of the match, there was a good atmosphere. After the football we went for some beers and on the way home Aicha remembered that she'd seen an old wardrobe that had been left outside someone's house with a 'please take me' sign on. So we did. It was very very heavy and having had three beers made it seem like the funniest thing in the world. It's great though, and will look ace in my boudoir. All in all a productive and enjoyable day.

Monday was pretty normal - a busy day - I worked late, and then I finished off my outfit for Pride in the evening. On Tuesday I was in school in the morning, and then I headed off to Shoreditch to my birthday hotel. It was amazing and I am so glad I did it. When I arrived, I was told that I'd been upgraded, but that my room wasn't ready yet, so would I mind waiting in the bar and having some complimentary cocktails? That was not a problem at all. After I was shown to my room, which was plush and huge, I went for a wander and bought myself some magazines and nice food to have a picnic in my room. I went to the pool and the gym and then just lounged about watching telly, drinking fizzy and having a lovely time.

I knew that my birthday would be a milestone, and I anticipated that there would be some wobbles. It's up to me to make the best of things and be nice to myself. You do get choices in how you deal with these things. I could have decided not to celebrate, and go to work, but that would have been miserable and quite frankly I like having fun and enjoying myself. I am so glad I had a bit of time away from everyday life and looked after myself. When I woke up I had a few moments of quiet, remembering birthdays spent with Dunc and I said a few words to him.

After I checked out of the hotel I went to a spa which was very relaxing, and then I headed to Soho. After some food I went to a beauty salon and had a mini facial and massage. Having cleansed and detoxed myself I headed to the pub. Thirteen of us then went on for dinner. Everyone was so lovely and understanding - I got some lovely prizes, including an obscene chocolate birthday cake that the lovely Sarah had ordered to go to the restaurant. I love my friends, I am so lucky to know so many amazing people and I am constantly amazing at how great they all are.

I had a bit of post birthday come down on Thursday, but luckily went to an ace gig in the evening, which lifted my spirits. On Friday I went for a few drinks after work, but managed just a few, to ensure that I was match fit for Pride.

Pride is another symbolic day for me. Dunc always used to get involved and would camp it up and march with us. He was getting progressively more into the dressing up aspect, so I wonder what he would have worn this year! Our theme was 'sexy military' and I had a two foot busby made of feather boas.

The march itself was amazing - the sun was shining, and it was lots of fun. Afterwards, I suddenly got really upset and just started bawling. It will just creep up on you sometimes. After refuelling at home, we headed back out to Islington for some birthday drinks. It was fun and by the end of the day I was very very drunk.

Today is another milestone, as it was the day after Pride when Dunc first had a stomach ache, which lead to him going to the doctor a few weeks later when it didn't go.

It's so hard to believe that it was only a year ago. So much has changed. Sometimes it is hard to imagine the old life I had, and other times memories come back so easily and make me smile.

It'll be six months on Tuesday since my beautiful husband left us. Love you darlin'.

Being Nice

2010-06-27T12:18:00.003+01:00

This week has been good in the main. Work has been busy, which is mostly a good thing. I've been working a few late nights, which isn't so great, but it means I will be able to take more time off during the school holidays.

More of our stuff has gone up into the loft, and although I know I'll have to deal with it all eventually, it's nice to know that there isn't a time limit on when, and that everything's safe enough where it is.

I've been feeling a bit better the last few days. The flat is looking more and more like a home, and I like it here. The main issue, as ever, is sleep. I can have a good day, and then when I try and settle to sleep, my brain starts unpacking lots of stuff from when Dunc was ill. Conversations that we had play on my mind, or just how horrible/unfair it all was/is loops round. I think this is a natural part of 'the process', but it does not make for a restful night's sleep.

I think I am gradually getting used to my identity as just me, a single person. When I went to get my hair cut yesterday I had a long chat with the hairdresser about death and grieving (no holiday plans chat for me). I do think it is important to be able to talk about death and also to talk about Dunc. Obviously not all the time, but it is a massive part of my life still, and important. There's so much of Dunc and our time together that is still with me and 'alive'. That's a very lovely thing indeed.

It's my birthday next week, and I am going to be nice to myself. I have booked myself a swanky hotel with gym and pool for Tuesday night. I'm going to finish work early and head there, then go to a spa in the daytime on my birthday. In the evening I am meeting some mates for drinks and dinner. I think Dunc would approve.

Ever Changing Moods

2010-06-21T20:43:00.004+01:00

I really am all over the place at the moment - happy and buoyant, feeling positive about the future one minute, then sad and angry about the past the next. Sometimes I'm worried about the future and happy about memories that come into my mind. Like I say, all over the place.

I read something on the WAY forum about 5-8 months after losing a partner being especially tough. Everyone else is 'back to normal' and the shock has subsided so you are focusing more on the loss. I can identify with that. I think it's fair to say that I tend to update my blog when I'm feeling a little low. Not every day is terrible, but there does seem to be a bit less light on a day to day basis. I do feel more anger now than I did before, but I think this is all to be expected really and no cause for alarm.

I do seem to be sleeping better though, which is helpful.

I managed to clear a lot of boxes at the weekend, and the front room looks like a front room. Hurrah!! To celebrate I had a dinner party. Well, maybe not a dinner party, but I invited people over for dinner and the six of us sat round my dining table. Like what grown ups do.

Unfortunately I had a little too much to drink (I know, how surprsing), and this meant that Sunday was unproductive. Actually, that probably wasn't such a bad thing. It meant that I spent all of yesterday in my jim jams reading, and generally lazing about, which was quite enjoyable. I managed to set up the stereo in the front room, and am starting to listen to music more again.

Recently I've been listening to the radio, but our own albums can be a minefield. There are songs that I will find hard to listen to now, and that will probably always be the case. I remember the day after we were told that Dunc would die and we were listening to the radio. A certain song came on the radio and made us both cry loads, and Dunc said, 'I've ruined music'. He really hasn't though. Even if there are some songs that are difficult now, there are so many others that remind me of happy times.

I really do miss him so so much.

<>

2010-06-18T22:15:00.006+01:00

More unpacking, and with it, a mixed bag of emotions:

Relief - to have got some of the boxes unpacked and sorted, or just up in the loft.
Sadness - I found Dunc's District Nurse folder the other day - phrases that stick in the mind include 'Duncan is coming to terms with his diagnosis', 'Cancer of the Colon, with metastatic spread to the liver and lungs', and under the Carer section, ' Catrina, his partner, is supportive'. Props to me then. That really was not a long time ago.
Irritation - why did we have so much stuff, and why do I have to sort it all out now?
Happiness - lots of reminders of special times - flight tickets, photos and cards. That happens a lot, and stops my packing to give me time to smile and think.
Sense of purpose.I know that that isn't an emotion - alright, then - satisfaction. I like order and tidiness and this is gradually coming to my flat.

Those are just the edited highlights - it really is a strange process.

My counselling session was very well timed on Wednesday after my 'shock' on Tuesday evening. I had a good cry and was able to get angry about things.

Whether or not I'd realised it, the fact that my birthday is in a few week's time will be another 'milestone' to pass. Dunc and I tended to make a big deal out of each other's birthdays, by going on holiday, having nice dinners and buying silly presents.We always had fun. It would be easy for me to think the day was going to be terrible and sad. Why would I even bother celebrating?

Dunc would tell me to shut the hell up with those thoughts I think.

I'm going to have to do it without him this year, but I am going to have a special and nice time. I've decided to have some luxury in my life and book a night away in a spa, followed by shopping and dinner with my mates. Sorted.

Another thing that I've realised is how much my bereavement and tragedy has shaped and defined me in quite many ways, both from my own perspective, and those of others. I am much much more than a widow, just as Dunc was much, much, much more than a man who's life was tragically cut short by cancer. So much of my life before that time is relevant and valid now.

I get a choice in how I view myself, and also how I present myself for others. Does 'Tragic Trina the Widow' have a ring to it?

Nah.

How It Gets You Sometimes

2010-06-15T21:35:00.005+01:00

I had a lovely weekend and things are getting slowly sorted in the flat now. My bedroom looks like a bedroom, the garden is starting to get cleared (thanks Aicha) and I will be tackling the living room next weekend.

After five nights of drinking in a row, I had an early night yesterday. I now have blinds at the window and had the most decent night's sleep in a long time. I've been feeling pretty good today but have suddenly had a bad moment just now, and I mean about ten minutes ago.

It started because on Thursday there will be an event in Richmond to remember my friend, the lovely Ben, who died of cancer eleven months before Dunc did. A tree has been planted, and a lot of Ben's friends will be going there to remember him, have a picnic, and celebrate/remember in their own ways. Like Dunc, Ben was an amazing guy - so full of life and with an incredibly generous spirit. I have been debating whether or not to go since I was sent an invite, and I started looking up the info about the event which was on Facebook. This lead to me reading the messages that people have left Ben on his Facebook page and then to me looking at Dunc's page.

I was reading some of the comments and looking at the pictures when it suddenly hit me again that I will never ever see him again, hear his laugh or see him do a stupid face. Now obviously, this has crossed my mind before (only about a hundred times every day), but this evening it felt like a physical pain.

I need to distract myself when this stuff happens. Hence the blog update. Strange how it gets you sometimes.

Obituaries

2010-06-13T13:20:00.002+01:00

This week has been pretty 'normal' really.

Work has been hectic and I'm been out socialising a bit. I am enjoying being back in London and seeing friends, although I think next week will be a bit quieter.

I haven't been sleeping too well. This is partly because I currently don't have any blinds up in my bedroom, which means that when the sun rises it wakes me up at about 5am. In addition to the light, it's been unsettling to wake surrounded by bin bags and boxes of stuff that needs to be unpacked. I have been feeling a bit run down and low on and off, but with the stress of the move etc etc, it's to be expected I think.

This weekend I have made loads of progress with help from friends as usual. My bedroom is now almost cleared, and the living room has more space in it. All of Dunc's clothes are safely stored away in the loft, and I've started storing some of my things up there too.

It will all take time to get properly sorted, but things are moving along well.

We have managed to arrange a date for the next 'Sunkan Dymonds' event. This time it'll be for Action Aid, as we have decided to rotate the charities we give to. It's lovely that my mates are so enthusiastic about continuing it. What a cool way to remember and celebrate Dunc.

On Thursday night when I got in from a nice sociable evening out I had received a copy of 'The Eagle' - this is the news letter from Dunc's school and I knew that some of his friends had written in it. What they had written was lovely, and I will keep it, but seeing it all in black and white was quite upsetting, especially as the other obituaries were for people in their eighties and nineties, with the exception of a fellow pupil who had taken his own life.

One thing I do keep coming back to every so often is the sense of injustice about it all. It seems to keep returning to me. Again to be expected I think, and I do try to take comfort in the fact that Dunc had a great time whilst he was here and had such an impact on so many people. He's not in pain any more, and it's up to those who are left to carry on and enjoy life as he did.

I do try, and most of the time I succeed. It's pretty difficult sometimes though.

Married Single Other

2010-06-07T10:15:00.001+01:00

Another milestone.

Yesterday was the five month anniversary of Dunc’s death. I didn’t feel too strange really. He was in my thoughts a lot, but then he always is. It’s getting easier to remember the good times and the fun, of which there really were loads. The pain, and the horrible times towards the end are less prominent in my mind now, which is a relief. That doesn’t mean to say that they don’t suddenly pop up, but they aren’t constantly there as they were just after Dunc died.

My flat is still full of boxes, but I had Friday off work and managed to get more stuff sorted. I also had the loft insulated so that I can board it, and put boxes up there to clear some room. That will be good, both psychologically and aesthetically.

I have started to sort out some of Dunc’s things, but I have decided not to get rid of anything just yet. I have been sorting things I know I want to keep, and things that I will probably get rid of. I have decided to store them away in the loft for now, and review it when the time feels right. No point rushing into any of this, especially when I don’t know how I’ll feel about it all in a few months’ time.

The sorting process is odd. Sometimes I feel fine about it all, and it feels a relief to sort things and feel as though I’m de-cluttering. Then I’ll come across something unexpected and it’ll shake me. An example of this was sorting through some books and finding a birthday card that Dunc had sent me a few years ago. The card itself is ace, and the message inside was lovely. It’s upsetting, but I am so so grateful for our time together. I’m lucky that, apart from some parts of Dunc’s illness, the memories are overwhelmingly fun and loving.

I was away at the weekend at a hen do, and this meant meeting people for the first time. There was obviously a lot of talk about partners and weddings, and at one point a girl I’d just met pointed to my wedding ring and said, ‘You’ve been through this all already then’. I just nodded and said that it was loads of fun, just a simple wedding, with our close friends and family. It made me think about my status – I wouldn’t call myself single, but at the same time, describing myself as a widow for the foreseeable future seems a bit grim and ever so slightly dramatic.

There are lots of discussions about this type of stuff on the WAY (widowed and young) forum. When should you take off your wedding ring? Start dating? How do you introduce your situation to people you are just meeting in a social setting? Usually the answer is doing what feels right, at the time it feels right. I did get talking to one girl and referred to Dunc as ‘my husband’ and when she asked where Dunc worked, I told her a brief account of what had happened. I feel sorry for people to get landed with that information when they’re just being polite, but she took it really well and asked appropriate but unobtrusive questions.

I am still seeing my counsellor, and I really do feel as though I went at the right time. There’s a lot of transition going on at the moment for me, and it’s so good to be able to test out how I feel about what’s happening now, and what happened before. I do feel as though my life is moving forward, and although the move has brought up some sadness, it’s the start of the next phase for me.

Having a new flat also means that I am busy. I like busy.

Home

2010-05-31T12:45:00.002+01:00

I have moved. I am in.

Last week was very busy at work - I'm so relieved that it's half term this week. On Friday night Laura, Adam and I went out for dinner and a few drinks. Then on Saturday Laura and I headed to the storage place to drop some stuff off and then to wait for the removal guys to arrive. I am never moving my own stuff myself again. Hiring men and ven took so much of the stress out of the day.

There is a lot of stuff though. It's everywhere. Because I didn't pack a lot of it, it's a strange process opening boxes to see what's in them. I had a horrible moment yesterday when I opened a box that had a lot of Dunc's medication in. I thought I'd thrown it all out, but it brought back a lot of horrible memories.

I have started sorting some of Dunc's clothes. I already had a few items in mind that I know I want to keep hold of - his wedding suit, his 'freaked on speedway' t-shirt and a few other bits. I must have moved on a little, because I just ripped open a bag and started sorting it straight away, without feeling too sad. There's a lot of Dunc's possessions that I probably won't keep - we were different people, with different tastes after all, and this move has to be the start of the next phase of getting on with my life as it is now. It's not how I wanted it, but I have to try and carry in finding the positives.

So I am currently surrounded by boxes and bags. I'll eventually get through them. Eventually.

Bye Bye Baby

2010-05-24T14:32:00.005+01:00

This weekend marked another milestone for me, as I went to Dunc's folk's place to scatter his ashes.

First of all, however, the Saturday marked another stage in the on-going saga, which has been getting double glazing installed. After a lovely Friday evening of sitting with Laura and Adam in their garden eating dinner and chatting, I had to be up earlier than on a work day to get to my flat because the installation 'team' were due to arrive at 9am. I arrived at 8:30am and got straight on with painting the kitchen. By 9:30am they hadn't yet arrived, and I called the guy who had done the original quote to be told that they had left the factory and were on their way.

The 'team' arrived and started on the front room as it was the biggest job (three sash windows to be replaced). By 2:30 they had removed the old windows and put the new ones in minus glass and that was it. Given that there were nine windows and a door to have replaced over two days, I was a little concerned about this. There seemed to be a lot of taking phone calls, sitting and smoking and not much else going on.

Luckily, help was at hand. My mate Graham had arrived to fix my cooker and offered to have a look. It really was priceless. He walked into the front room and said, 'okay guys, what's going on here then?' and then just stared at the window fittings. For quite some time. Whilst we watched him staring.

Graham declared the work to be of a reasonable standard and no cause for concern, which made me feel better, and it seemed to make the 'team' speed up, because they started work on the second bedroom almost immediately. I hate the fact that this is the case, but it really is useful to have a man dealing with this stuff sometimes. I'm no idiot, and I am assertive (or a hard nosed bitch, if you will), and wouldn't be ripped off, but I'm not very intimidating or imposing physically, and that really does make a difference sometimes (although my feminist tendencies do hate me for writing that).

I asked what time they would be finishing on the Saturday, and they told me 9pm, with a 7am start the next day. I disagreed. A call to the guy in the office, and the time got revised to a 7pm finish and a 9am start on the Sunday.

Aicha and I sat in the garden for a few hours and I gradually calmed down. On Saturday evening we retreated to a lovely hotel on the banks of the Thames. The plan had originally been to go out for some dinner, but we were both so exhausted, we got a picnic to have in our room, and just lazed about before having a reasonably early night.

On Sunday we were both up early. Aicha to go back to the flat for the next round of glazing, and me to head to Dunc's folk's place.

The train journey there was fine, and when I got there everyone else arrived at the same time. We spent some time chatting, and then after a while we headed up to the village church. Dunc's mum said a short prayer and a few of us said a few words. I think I've said before on here about how Dunc's illness and death has made me even more certain that there isn't a god. I was debating whether or not to be a hypocrite and go into the church, but in the end I decided that it would be less stressful for everyone (including me) if I just went with the flow.

After the church bit we all walked back to the garden. Dunc's parents had bought an owl statue and had made a corner of the garden look lovely, with a small tree and some flowers. I was a bit worried that all the ashes would go everywhere, and so Dunc's brother dug a little hollow and everyone who wanted to tipped some of the ashes in. I really did not feel as though I associated the ashes with Dunc either, but it was strange as after I tipped some of them in, I kissed the bag that they were in. Who knows why, but it felt right.

After the ashes were placed in the ground I felt a sense of relief. Like so many things, the thought of doing something is sometimes so much worse than the reality. I'm very glad I don't have the event hanging over me anymore.

The rest of the day was a nice day in the sunshine with Dunc's family, talking, laughing and drinking. It was strange, because obviously Dunc wasn't there, and it could have been like any other time I've been there, and he could have just been inside for a bit. I did keep half expecting him to come round the corner. It's an odd thing, because I live with this gap in my life every day and some days it is much more noticeable than others. Some days it's almost as though I realise that he's gone all over again. Some days I just think about how ridiculous and unfair it all is. One thing that is getting easier is remembering Dunc as he really was, before cancer entered our lives and gradually took him away.

I returned to Walthamstow late afternoon, and I now have a fully double glazed flat, with a cat flap in the back door and everything!! Hurrah!!! It's looking so different to three weeks ago, when I got the keys. I'm feeling ready for the big move next Saturday now. Time for a nice sit down soon surely?

Sock Wars

2010-05-19T22:35:00.003+01:00

I've been super busy over the last few days, and it's felt good.

Over the weekend I managed to finish the painting in both bedrooms and the living room, and the carpets were fitted on Monday. It's made the rooms look so different, and although there's lots more that needs to be done, it does feel like mine. I managed to get enough done on Friday and Saturday to allow myself Sunday off, and spent some of it packing a few bits at my sister's place, some of it having a boozy roast dinner, and some of it feeling a bit groggy.

The guys who fitted the carpet on Monday were great - not too much banter, just got on with the job. They thanked me for moving all of the furniture out of the rooms (no easy job to do that single handed, I can tell you). Not sure what they would have done if I hadn't moved the furniture though - fitted the carpets round it perhaps?

There was a funny moment (well I laughed), when I realised that the second bedroom door opens inwards, and would have to be taken off the hinges. I started unscrewing it, then one of the guys came over with a hammer to 'help out'. He couldn't get the last screw out and went off (presumably to get a bigger hammer), by which time I had successfully removed the door. I'm well hard me. He took it fairly well.

On Monday evening I had my second dentist appointment. Not fun, but at least that's it now. I had fillings in both sides of my mouth, which involved a fair amount of anaesthetic (luckily). When I rinsed at the end, I managed to basically spit the entire mouthful over myself, and helpfully comment on it in a slightly slurry way. Not exactly elegant.

I was back at work on Tuesday and I had my second counselling session in the afternoon. It's helping me to work some things through, and I think the timing is right, because there's so much going on at the moment - it's nice to have that time and space to reflect a little.

Today was hectic at work, but I managed to get various bits done that have been hanging over me for a few days. Unsurprisingly, my head is stuffed full of lists today - things to do (work), things to buy, things to do (home).

This evening I went to the storage place to drop off my bike, so that it can be included with the van move. I also bagged up my clothes again to prevent my pants littering the A12 during the big move. As I was doing so, I noticed a bag that Dunc used quite a bit. I looked inside it and it contained a copy of Fortean Times, a letter from the hospital in relation to the appointment on the 16th December (the day Dunc got admitted) a pound coin, and a pair of socks.

The socks really got to me. What a Dunc thing to have in his bag. Our flat was often the scene of sock wars, as Dunc would trail discarded socks through the flat, but especially the living room. I would pick them all up, and then more would appear. He used to rejoice in this fact, and I would (semi) jokingly chastise him. I think he would have enjoyed the fact that he was still managing to continue the sock war even now.

This weekend I am doing more work at the flat, and having the windows replaced. On Sunday I will be going to Dunc's parent's place to scatter his ashes in their garden, as Dunc wanted. Hopefully it will be a nice day, although I am feeling nervous and odd about it. I suppose it's the last remaining ritualistic part to complete. After Sunday we all get to chose our own ways to remember and celebrate.

I'll be throwing socks all round my new flat personally.

Idling

2010-05-13T21:11:00.002+01:00

It's pretty typical and following trend that after such a positive post there follows a dip. On Tuesday I felt worse than I have in a while. I had the 'going through the motions' feeling all day, which isn't so great when I have to go to work. My poor clients.

After dragging myself through my client work I lumbered back to the office and did a few hour's worth of catching up on admin. The workload seems to have increased quite a bit recently - maybe because I'm doing the proper full time job again now, with no allowances. It suits me fine actually, and I am really enjoying it, but Tuesday was tough.

In the evening I went to the flat and my sis and Rich cleared all of the dismantled furniture out for the council to collect the next day. I also had my (hopefully final) glazing quote. This guy was a builder and did the proper 'knocking on walls stuff' and taking deep breaths every so often and saying things like, 'didn't anyone else tell you this?'. His quote wasn't ridiculous, but I found it all confusing and difficult to take in. I had a bit of a cry because it's times like these when I'm feeling low that it's so obvious how on my own I am. My mates are more than fantastic and I can bounce ideas off people, but the decision is mine alone, which is a difficult thing to accept.

I did some reading up about double glazing and building regs, and sent the other guy some questions. He came straight back with the answers I was looking for so I am having final measurements tomorrow (Friday) with installation on 22nd/23rd.

On Wednesday I felt slightly better. I went back to the flat again in the evening to drop some paint off and although there's still work to be done, I maybe should just remind myself how much we've done already in less than two weeks (with club night in the middle).

Today has been okay too - work was super busy, but good busy. I am having an early night. I have made lists.

Tomorrow:

Bank admin.

Glazing measurements and deposit.

Test washing machine.

Change lightbulbs.

Finish painting in front room.

Paint my room one colour and finish second bedroom.

Loft insulation survey.

Come Dine With Me in Clapham (PM).

Saturday:

Collect visitor parking permits.

Start moving furniture ready for carpets.

Paint my room the other colour.

Measure windows for blinds.

Sunday:

Additional painting.

Shopping for furnishings.

Finish furniture move.

Unscrew door from front room to prepare for carpets.

Monday:

Get carpets fitted.

Get broadband and phoneline connected.

Go to the dentist.

Not much on at the moment really...

Progress

2010-05-10T21:48:00.003+01:00

The weekend was incredibly productive, and loads of fun too, although it passed by in a flash.

My sis and I arrived at the flat on Saturday morning before 9am, and started on the painting in the front room straight away - the colour scheme is oatmeal - with teal feature walls don't you know. Aicha arrived early too, and we were a good team working away. It's so useful to be able to decorate without having to keep moving stuff around, and it all seems to be coming together well to feel like a home.

We also managed to get the first coat of white paint on the walls in the second bedroom, which will be white and silvery grey.

I am still trying to decide on the colours for my boudoir. It'll be the same silvery grey as the other bedroom on some of the walls, but I can't decide between a pink and a purple colour for the feature walls, although I am maybe leaning towards the purple - decisions, decisions.

Another guy came round to do a double glazing quote. Local firm - he just turned up, asked whatwindows/doors I needed the quotes for, measured and then left. He's since emailed me the quote and all I can say is, 'in your face Zenith'. Much, much more reasonable, and they are able to install within a week of confirming the order. I have one final quote to get on Tuesday, but I think there's a chance I might be able to get the windows done before the move.

A locksmith came to change the front door lock and he was great too - turned up on time, got on with it and left.

The electrics have been checked over and it all seems to be in order and up to date. I'll hopefully be able to get the oven fixed and the dishwasher installed too. Progress is being made.

At about 3pm we left the flat, and Aicha and I checked into our hotel. It was okay. It was cheap and somewhere to crash, but we did feel it wouldn't be a surprise if there were hiden cameras in the bathroom. Nice.

A quick transformation from painter/decorators into our glad rags, and we were off out. We arrived at the venue and it all looked good. No scaffolding outside, and not much evidence of building work either (although they were still clearing up when we arrived). It all went very smoothly and was loads of fun. The bands were amazing - it was a great turn out on the night and we raised almost £500 for MacMillan. I played some tunes early on and got incredibly drunk (pretty inevitable really).

Dunc would have loved it. I keep thinking how amazed and proud he'd be at all the fun stuff we're doing in his memory.

Unsurprisingly, Sunday morning was a struggle. We managed to navigate our way back to the flat via a greasy caff fry up. It did the job though, and although I had a few wobbly moments whilst up a ladder we managed to get more painting done in the afternoon. I was supposed to get another glazing quote, but when he called to cancel we decided to head off.

Things are coming together with the flat, and the aim is to move in on the Saturday of the bank holiday - allowing a few days to readjust and aclimatise. I'm not aiming to unpack everything in one go. Dunc and I's life will be landing back with me, and I'm very aware of rough times ahead in relation to that. I cried when I saw one of his mugs the other week, so who knows what it'll be like to see all his clothes and personal possessions in the same place. Easy does it I reckon.

I have four days off over next weekend to get more work done as I decided not to go to the festival in the end for a few reasons really. The extra days spent on the flat will hopefully mean that I can finish painting the rooms that will have carpet laid. I need to get blinds and curtains for when the glazing goes in. I'm not a massively private person, but I do live on a bus route after all.

I also think that going to a festival that Dunc and I went to together, to see one of his favourite ever bands just might be a bit too much to take. I don't want to be the weeping widow in the corner spoiling fun for everyone else.

Everything is going pretty well for me at the moment. I think that's allowed. Yes? Good.

An Education

2010-05-05T21:27:00.007+01:00

I now not only know lots about gas safety and boilers, but double glazing sales techniques too.

Now, this may not come as a surprise to some of you, but if you want to get a quote for double glazing it's not just a case of arranging for someone to measure the window space and then give you a price which reflects the cost of windows and labour, oh no.

You have to sit through an hour presentation about the window and the company, by which time you feel as though your head is going to drop off. Then they measure the windows, and quote you a price that is just ridiculous, just so they can reduce it and try and force you to buy a 'on this day only' bargain. Knobs.

I have yet to order my windows, because I have yet to be quoted a reasonable price. £20k for a back door and nine windows? I laughed. I have gained lots of useful info though. Apparently, 'a lot of ladies don't get excited about double glazing', and 'I'm too young to be a widow' (my mistake). Like I say - knobs. It's a racket - what a surprise. I don't warm to the fact that they ask your marital status before they come out to visit you. Possibly to try and con the silly lady without a husband into spending vast sums of money?

Anyway, I told him what for, and I have five more quotes arranged with local firms this weekend - at least one of them should be okay. Right? I'll let you know.

We got so much done in the flat last weekend anyway and it's starting to feel like a home. Thanks so much Aicha and Laura - sistas!! It's been cleaned from top to bottom, because it looks like a squat when I arrived on Friday night - food in cupboards and dressing gown still hanging in bathroom. The furniture that I'm not keeping has been flattened and is going to be taken away next week, and all of the paintwork has been done with walls washed and masked off ready for painting this weekend. I'm aiming to move in over the bank holiday to give me a few more weekends to get stuff ready.

Apart from sorting out stuff with the flat, this week has been okay. Everything seems to be ready to go for tonight which is the Sunkan Dymonds club night. There have been a few hitches along the way, but I know it's going to be a good night and I can't wait to DJ, drink and dance with friends. Dunc's force will be with us.

This week it was four months since Dunc died. It didn't feel as 'big' this month. I was aware of the date all day, but when it came to the time I was out with friends and I didn't feel as nervous or strange as I sometimes have. It's a marker, as I've said before. No time at all, and look how my life has changed, and will continue to change over the months ahead. I know that Dunc wouldn't want anyone focusing on when he left us - there's so much to celebrate from when he was here! I have also started seeing a counsellor, which will be very helpful through these next few weeks ahead I think. My new flat is so exciting, but it'll be painful too. Mine and Dunc's previous life will be moving back in with me. I'm going to take all of that slowly I think.

Work has been super busy this week, which suits me fine. I have a nice extended weekend coming up next weekend, because I've decided not to go to the festival (bit too soon maybe). It'll be more painting and maybe a trip to Ikea - rock 'n' freakin' roll.

Changing Rooms

2010-05-02T08:21:00.002+01:00

When 'normality' returns for me, I will get a chance to look back at these times, and really take in everything that has happened in less than ten months. It's more than most people would have in ten years, that's for sure.

On Monday I had my dental appointment which I was dreading - does anyone enjoy, or even not mind them? It was actually okay - all the staff were lovely and the dentist was a young guy, who I had a bit of a chat with before he started the treatment which put my mind at rest. I told him that a bit of my tooth had come out, and that the tooth now felt odd. He had a look and then pulled out another bit! Eeeek. I had an x-ray, and then he managed to give me a white filling to re-build the tooth. It was all quite straightforward really, and it looks quite good, compared to the cavernous hole or mouth of metal that I was half expecting. I have to go back in a few week's time for a bit more treatment, but it could have been a lot worse.

Tuesday was a normal day work-wise, and in the evening I meet up with some of my mates who are putting on the Sunkan Dymonds night with me (less than a week to go now). I got a call from the venue on the same night and they mentioned a few technical hitches, but I think we have found a way round it all. Everything seems to be organised and we just need to do a couple of last minute bits late next week. I have to sort out my DJ set too!! But its all good, and I'm really looking forward to it.

On Wednesday morning I had an interview observed by my manager. This is basically to check that you are doing your job to a high enough standard. It's nerve racking, but it's useful to get feedback, and it makes you rethink how you work, as it can be easy to get complacent or stuck in a rut. It all went well, although because I'm doing a qualification at the moment, I'll have another one next week. I got a call from the solicitors in the evening to say that the final bit of paperwork that we needed before completion hadn't arrived from the seller. This meant that we hadn't exchanged contracts yet. Wednesday night was spent talking to my mate who's a plumber to get his advice, and doing quite a bit of my own research. I now know far more about gas safety than I ever expected to. From what I learnt, it seemed as though we wouldn't be completing on Friday...

On Thursday I had a very busy day at work, interspersed with caller to the solicitors, Gas Safe and the estate agents. I also had to go and pick up a terrifying bank draft to drop off to my solicitor's office in case of completion the next day. At this stage it did seem as though completion would be held up for at least a week, because the mortgage funds would be sent back if the one bit of paperwork didn't appear, and then would have to be requested again. I started planning a relaxing weekend - bit of shopping, the gym maybe. In other news, I am currently in the popular real life magazine 'Pick Me Up' on page 3 and 21, reporting on my recent trip to Hong Kong. I got a bit excited about the media coverage and bought four copies of the magazine!

On Friday morning I had a call from my solicitor to say that she had a proposal as a 'way round' to enable completion and give me piece of mind. I checked that I had understood it all, and all of the implications involved (I am not a risk taker). It all seemed to make sense, so I gave the go-ahead. The spent a morning not hearing back from anyone. Just before lunchtime I got a call to say that we would be going ahead, but that it probably wouldn't happen until after lunch now. I know that the bank cut off point is 3:30, so this didn't factor in much time! I was super busy with clients in the afternoon, and I had to keep switching my phone on and off as I was so jumpy I didn't think it was fair my my clients to keep my phone on.

At 3:45, I got a voicemail to say that completion had taken place, and I was now the owner of a flat! I left work early and went to collect the keys. It was a bittersweet moment, as I was so excited, but the first thing I thought was, 'I can't wait to tell Dunc. Oh.'. Had a quick look around - there's a lot of work to do, but it's got a lot of potential and it's mine!!! True to form, I went out and got very drunk to celebrate. Lots happened on Saturday, but I have to get up and go to B&Q now. I'll be back to update soon.

What a week, as 'they' say.

Fittings and Fixtures

2010-04-26T21:58:00.003+01:00

So, it looks as though May is going to be the month when things happen!

After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing with solicitors and estate agents, it seems as though I will be a home owner from this Friday. Blimey. This obviously means that I am going into list overdrive, as there’s quite a bit of stuff that I’d like to get done before I move in, including getting the place double glazed and some of the carpets changed, as well as sorting out some of the paintwork.

Today, Dunc’s lovely MacMillan colleagues planted a tree for him in a park in Highgate, which was a place we used to love going to. It's a maple, so will look very lovely in the Autumn. They invited me to go today, but I couldn’t make it, and as they had all arranged it between them, I thought it seemed right that they had their day without the widow looming over them.

Dunc’s parents and I also have agreed a date to scatter Dunc’s ashes and it will happen on Sunday 23^rd May. It’s not something I’m looking forward to, but it feels as though it’s right that it is done now. As Dunc wanted, they will be scattered in his parent’s garden, a place that he loved. Hopefully it’ll be a casual and relaxed day. I’ve thought a lot about doing this obviously. Will I feel a sense of relief or closure? Who knows – a lot of people say that after the funeral, but I’m not sure that’s how I viewed it.

I don’t really consider the ashes to be Dunc myself, but I know that other people really do identify with the remains of a loved one, and like to keep them close. For me, Dunc and our life is represented by so many other things – our favourite bands and pubs, our lovely friends, and all of the memories of our time together. It can be so difficult to respect everyone’s views and be able to do what seems right for yourself and Dunc’s memory, but I think we’ve all done okay so far.

Lots of very symbolic stuff and important going on.

Other things that are happening in May include my relocation to London (assuming we can get all the work done quickly), the Sunkan Dymonds fundraiser, a 10k run and a music festival. That will be bitter sweet I'm guessing, because Dunc and I always went together and one of his all time favourite bands are playing. Oh, and a visit to the dentist. A big bit of my tooth fell off the other day, just to make me feel like I’m falling to pieces more than I already was anyway. I had a big filling today, but have to go back for more 'work'. I suppose I'm being fixed.

Talking of which, after last week’s slight melt down I decided that I do need a bit of extra support, so I have arranged to see a counsellor next week. I’ve also joined WAY (Widowed And Young) and have been chatting on line to other widows and widowers about a lot of the issues that come up. You'd be surprised, the things that we end up talking about. I’ve gained strength from those who are a bit further down the line with it all, and can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Note To Self

2010-04-20T22:37:00.002+01:00

Dear Catrina,

I'm going to bullet point this, because I know you love it.

Do you remember before all this unimaginable crap entered your life, and you just had rubbish days, which weren't related to grief? Well guess what, you're not immune to them now either. Don't feel that you have to label how you're feeling, just feel it and get on with it.
You are currently buying a property, (one of the most stressful things you can do by the way). Just because you've had a series of incredibly stressful experiences recently, it doesn't make you immune to other stressful experiences, you know. It doesn't work like that.
The above also applies to work.
And commuting.
Try not to measure how you're feeling in units of time. There is no rulebook. Similarly, there is no grief calendar to tick the days off on either.
Manufacture and market a grief calendar.
Don't actually do that last one.
You just aren't going to forget the amazing man that was Dunc. It just won't happen. However, don't beat yourself up if you do find yourself imagining a future that doesn't have him in it, and some of it feels okay, or even a bit exciting.
Similarly, other people haven't forgotten about your lovely husband either, it's just, you know, everyone has lives to lead and get on with. This does include trivial stuff. That's kind of the point.
However, it is not your job to make people feel less awkward about your situation and how you choose to deal with it. It just isn't.
Basically, you aren't superwoman, and you've had a hell of a lot of stuff thrown at you in a relatively short space of time. You're doing okay. In fact, you're doing more than okay.
Talking about yourself in the third person, and writing bullet pointed lists on a public blog is a bit odd really. Are you feeling okay?
No, really, quit it.

....

Friends Provident

2010-04-18T17:57:00.003+01:00

I have some lovely friends - thanks for your messages and concern. I am okay really, honest - I do think that things are mostly as they should be. If I didn't have some down days I think I'd be in denial about everything that's happened. Sometimes it's hard to believe any of it - there's a lot to process and try and make sense of, as much as you can anyway.

I'm using the blog differently these days, as more of a place to vent (although that's not quite the right word - maybe purge is more accurate). I've been writing more about emotions rather than facts, because in a lot of ways, normal service has resumed - I get up, go to work, see friends, do all of the normal stuff you'd expect really. Sometimes that means that the blog is more negative than my actual day to day experience of life.

This weekend has been really nice - the sun has been shining, which always helps to make things seem more positive. I had a long lie in on Saturday and got my admin sorted (which always makes me feel better about things) then I went to the gym and did a really long run (this always makes me feel better about things too - must be endorphins or something).

In the afternoon I sat in the garden and enjoyed the sun then headed to London to meet up with some mates. It was Record Shop Day yesterday, and although there may have been various exciting things going on I didn't see any of them. It did mean that we all sat in the street drinking beer with all the cool kids talking about festivals and getting excited about the Sunkan Dymonds night.

After a while we moved on to pay the Sunkan Dymonds venue a visit. There were some bands on and we had a look at how the venue was set up. I think we know what we're doing now, and I'm looking forward to the night. It was strange watching bands and talking about festivals without Dunc being there, but I think feeling a bit sad and just accepting that sad is okay is the right thing to do (well it's not okay, but you know what I mean).

Today my sister and I went for some beauty treatments. No reason - just to be nice to ourselves. We both had a back massage, head massage (not as relaxing as you'd think - in fact, I did worry that the beautician was trying to pull all my hair out at one point), facial and manicure. Then we had a smoothie and muffin in the cafe. A very nice way to spend a morning.

This afternoon there's been more sitting in the sun and reading. I feel as though my batteries have been recharged this weekend, although it has flown by. I'm in school two days next week, and it'll be good to have more variety in my working week. I'm feeling more positive and more 'me'.

Good.

We To Me

2010-04-15T21:40:00.006+01:00

This week has been tough, no doubt about it.

The combination of being confined to the office at work for the last few weeks, having a few sleepless nights and the enormity of buying a property on my own has had a definite impact and I had a blub at work for the first time today.

Funny really, because the day before I'd had my 1-2-1 with my line manager and she was asking how I was doing, and commented on how well I seemed to be getting on - then reminded me that I can access free counselling through work. As yet I haven't had any counselling since Dunc's death, although I have had counselling in the past, and found it really helpful. I'm not yet at a point where I think I need it, but by the same token I certainly wouldn't discount it.

The last few days I've felt as though I'm dragging myself around (the only way I can describe it properly really) I haven't felt very 'me'.

The flat stuff really seems to be coming together, which is a good thing, but will also signify a new chapter in my life. It really struck me today when I was reading through the paperwork and scary legal stuff that I am now on my own. Obvious, I know, but I've lived for almost fourteen years being part of an 'us'.

Don't get me wrong, Dunc and I always existed as people in our own right, and we were never joined at the hip, but we were very much an 'us'.

The 'us' had a nice identity. The current re-branding to just 'me' sucks, but it's something I am gradually coming to terms with.

Upward Incline

2010-04-09T22:34:00.004+01:00

The last few days have been really lovely and I've been feeling a lot more positive.

It was really manic at work on Friday, with loads of complicated stuff going on, and then I saw a former colleague on my way to lunch. She lost her husband in November, and had given up work to care for him a little while before his death. She is a lot older than me and has retired now from work. We hugged each other. I thought that an understanding passed between us. Then she asked how my husband was doing. This threw me a bit, so I said, 'He's dead.', then felt bad about it. That was quite awkward really.

Another colleague had heard the whole exchange and checked that I was okay later, which was nice of her to do. I saw another colleague later on in the day and she offered condolences as I hadn't spoken to her properly since I've been back at work. We talked a bit about grief, and the strangeness of it. It was a nice conversation - frank and honest. I always try to be honest with people about my situation and feelings - that just feels right to me.

I also arranged to go to two more festivals - one in August, and one in December. My social calendar is looking quite respectable for the rest of the year now!

On Friday night I meet up with some mates in Soho, only to discover another group of my friends were also meeting there for an unconnected night out. We had a few drinks and then went for dinner, then on to a bar for a friend's birthday do. The plan was to stay at my friend's house, but I started feeling a bit low and decided to head back to Essex and have a reasonably early night. The alternative would have been forcing myself to put on a brave face, and I just wasn't in the mood. It was the right decision I think, and because I went home early it meant that on Saturday morning I got up and went for a run in the sunshine.

I headed back into London on Saturday afternoon to do some shopping with a mate, and then we met up with another mate for some (more) drinks. I went out for dinner and then headed home. It was a lovely day.

Today I've been doing some gardening in the sunshine with my sister and Adam and then we went for a bike ride and had a pub lunch at a country pub. I think we're all feeling full and 'Sunday' at the moment. I'm curled up under a blanket with a film on in the background. This is what Sundays are made for.

I haven't got any social plans during the week, so I'm hoping to step up my activity rates a bit and do some exercise in the evenings.

WAY To Go

2010-04-08T22:40:00.007+01:00

I was wondering the other day if I should still be writing on the blog now, as the intro refers to 'us' in the intro, and it was originally a way of communicating to lots of our friends about how we were both doing (but in the main Dunc really) after the diagnosis.

While Dunc's 'journey' (I really am speaking in cancer dialect these days) has finished, mine is still continuing, and it will do for a while, and I know some people check in every so often to see how I'm doing. Thanks for that by the way.

I also think that this blog will be a record for me and others about factual events and emotional responses. I haven't read the blog back from the start, and it may be a while until I feel the inclination to do so, but it's here as a record, good and bad.

I'm aware that when I started writing, there was more humour than there has been on here of late. Strange really, when nothing extreme has been happening recently, but humour has been my way of dealing with the roughest times. That's a blessing for me I suppose, but may make the blog less funny, as I try to work through stuff at the moment. My day to day life still has a lot of laughter, which I feel a little guilty about sometimes. That's clearly ridiculous.

Thursday saw two interesting communications which show the strange times that I'm in at the moment.

One was the report from land registry on the flat (a pass, apparently a slight flood risk, but nothing that set alarm bells ringing). So full steam ahead on that.

The other was my welcome pack from the WAY Foundation. WAY stands for Widowed And Young. The Foundation are an charitable organisation run by widows and widowers, and the aim is to offer mutual support to each other in different ways (that really wasn't a pun).

I debated whether to join, because if I'm honest, I don't know what support I really need. On a day to day basis I feel okay, but I suppose I think that the idea of talking to and meeting other people who have been through/or are going through similar experiences seems right to me.

At this point I am aware of sounding ungrateful, and dismissive of all the incredible support that I have had from my amazing friends. I really am not, but at the same time, I feel as though the impact of Dunc's death has to be reigned in a bit in daily life. Not because anyone has indicated I shouldn't talk about it, or that they are bored of hearing about it (!) but these events just aren't in the game plan, particularly when you're in your thirties, and they knock you sideways. Having that same reference point with others might feel comfortable.

In the welcome pack there is some info about the foundation and the resources that they can offer, and then contact sheets for people who live near to you. I'm not the youngest widow. The youngest is 29. The list is mainly female (apparently 85% of members are women). What also struck me is how many of these people have young children. This just isn't supposed to happen. I am glad that I don't have anyone depending on me at the moment. There are a couple of young women of a similar age who lost their partners to bowel cancer, so I think I will make that initial contact when the time feels right.

What strange times these are.

Marker

2010-04-06T20:40:00.003+01:00

Just a quick update today, to mark the three month anniversary of Dunc's passing.

Three months doesn't seem like a long time - for many people, three months ago was getting over Christmas and New Year hangovers,trying to save money after the excesses of the festive season.

Three months isn't a long time ago.

I don't know why the date feels like a milestone, but it does. It makes me measure what has happened since Dunc's death and check how I'm feeling. Part of me still can't believe that he has gone, and my life has changed so much, in so many ways.

Today felt like a different day for me, and I'm glad I had the afternoon booked off work. I went to the spa, gave myself some space, did lots of thinking, and I feel better for it. I was smiling on the way home, because I have so many happy memories of us together, ranging from Dunc's infamous banana skin falls, to special moments we shared together and all the stuff that couples do together. No - not that stuff, stupid voices and silly words for things, well okay, maybe some of that stuff too...

I feel as though I'm feeling more positive again, although I'm still taking things a day at a time. I think that's all I can, and should be doing at this point.

Anniversaries and What They Mean

2010-04-05T00:49:00.004+01:00

The time off work for the Easter break has been much needed - I think I have found the return to work more tiring than I first realised, and the commute and combined socialising has also been taking it's toll.

Today I had to go to the storage place to get some of my stuff. The unit is piled up from floor to ceiling (it is our entire flat's contents after all) but luckily, I had the sense to try and put my clothes and shoes near the front of the unit. I couldn't find the jacket that I was looking for so I decided to climb over to check another bin bag. I pulled it back, just a little bit - and was faced by one of Dunc's shirts - one that he looked very foxy in, and that he wore on many nights out. It really upset me to see it, and made me realise how much stuff I have to deal with in the future.

I know my posts have been a bit raw recently, and I have been feeling low on and off, but I do think it's all proportionate to the situation. Living with cancer (or at least our experience of it), was exhausting in the main, but we still got to do it together and managed to put it to one side sometimes, and just be 'us'. Trying to say and do all the stuff that we wanted to, as much as we could. Being on my own now is so all over the place, and there's still a lot of unknown stuff to face. I'm not sure what the reality of living on my own, in my own flat in Walthamstow will look like, all I know is that it feels like the best thing I can do at the moment. It also looks as though it's a reality I will be facing relatively soon, as the flat sale process all seems to be going well.

One thing that I do find hard to get over is how unfair the whole situation is. I don't feel guilty about any of my actions whilst Dunc was ill, but every so often I'm hit with how unfair it is that he's gone and everything else carries on. To a certain extent, that includes me getting on with things. I know that that's how things have to be, but it does hit me again once in a while.

I remember when Dunc first died and I was talking to my line manager about how I was feeling (surprisingly okay, I remember thinking). She told me how, six years after her mum died, she was moved to tears in Asda of all places, by seeing a bubble bath that her mum used to buy.

Tomorrow I am planning some sleep and also a trip to the gym. On Tuesday I have a half day, as it's the three month anniversary of Dunc's death and I want to be nice to myself on that day. Three months is no time at all really in my previous life, and in a normal world, but time has a different meaning and significance these days.

Grief is a complete bitch, but I suppose it's also a marker of the impact that a person has had on your life. For that I am very grateful.

Lows

2010-03-31T22:23:00.003+01:00

I haven't been feeling too great these last few days. Horrible thoughts have been making it difficult for me to get to sleep, and then have been waking me up at night, resulting in me feeling pretty tired and emotional during the day, and generally not being at my best.

I've found myself recalling some of the more horrible moments that Dunc and I shared during his illness, especially those last few weeks in hospital, and these sometimes drown out the amazing life that we had together, and the way that we faced his illness and what it meant together, which I am so so proud of.

Part of it is a sense of 'normality' I think - part of me doesn't want to settle into a routine and the mundane bits of every day life, because that can sometimes feel as though this horrible unfair event happens, and then after a short space of time everything and everyone just carries on. I'm trying to do all the positive stuff, but I suppose I should just give myself a break really. The harsh reality is, life does carry on, and there's a lot of fun to be had. Maybe less than three months after the death of my soul mate, every day won't be a fun one.

The fact of the matter is, I'm grieving, as well as recovering from an incredibly stressful time in my life. The two things are obviously linked, but they aren't completely the same either.

I find myself calculating dates and events in terms of how long Dunc had to live after them, and how long it has been since his diagnosis and death. Today is a Wednesday, for example, and Wednesdays mark the weeks since he died (twelve today). Next Tuesday it will be three months - no time at all really. I decided to book the afternoon off work on Tuesday and do something nice.

I know that normal service will be resumed soon. I am looking forward to a few days off to reset and recharge.

Thanks for listening. Love you Dunc.

Sobering Up

2010-03-29T12:05:00.005+01:00

I always seem to end up blogging on a Monday - maybe because as each week goes by, I'm reflecting on how I'm doing.

I was away at a wedding over the weekend and had a really lovely time. I did have a few emotional moments, especially during the first dance, because I suppose it just reminded me how much in love Dunc and were, and that I'll never get to have a cuddle with him again. Obvious stuff I know, and hardly a revelation, but sometimes you feel it more. Anyway, you're allowed to cry at weddings aren't you?

I got to catch up with some mates over the weekend - both at the wedding, and then the following day when I met up with a mate from uni for a few drinks (feeling a little 'fragile', I must say). It's great to see good friends, and there were some lovely comments about Dunc's celebration. For all of my fretting, I think I can now be reassured that it was right, and reflected Dunc well, which is what I wanted to do for him.

After a weekend/week/month of drinking quite a bit on a regular basis, I'm going to attempt a few sober nights. I'm out for dinner with a friend tonight, but won't be drinking (honestly) and then the rest of the week I don't have many plans, apart from looking after myself a bit more. The gym sessions will be making a come back.

To be fair to myself, I've had quite a bit of catching up with mates to do since I've been back at work and travelling to London on a daily basis, because while Dunc was ill, I didn't get to do any of that. So after an initial frenzy of social arrangements, I'm hoping to settle into a calmer phase of occassional nights out mixed with early nights and going to the gym.

We'll see how that goes then.

Thanks Darling

2010-03-24T22:12:00.002Z

After my 'wobble' at the weekend, this week has been pretty good so far.

Monday night I went with a mate (Aicha) to look at the venue for the gig. The guy who manages it was really lovely, although I had a moment that I haven't had for a while, when he asked why charity/why we were raising money. I feel almost guilty for giving it all to them in one go, especially when they are nice people - 'husband, bowel cancer, liver, lungs, 35, diagnosed Sept, died in Jan - BOOM TAKE THAT'.

The poor guy looked genuinely shocked and for a split second I wished that I told him it was to raise money for kitten baskets or something, but he ho. Anyway, the venue is fine for our purposes - a bit rough and ready, but next to the tube, most of the equipment we need and it'll be ours 5pm-2am.

Aicha and I went for a drink after we'd sorted the booking and were chatting about names for the night. Dunc was very involved in a night that we used to do together and so I didn't want to carry on with the name. Aicha then suggested something ace - 'Sunkan Dymonds' (Duncan Symonds, you see). How great is that? Aicha - you are a genius.

So, we have three bands confirmed and seen DJs, the venue is booked and now all we need to do is attract the punters. That's Saturday 8th May @ The Gaslight, Finsbury Park, from 7pm....

Yesterday I met some mates for a few drinks and to talk through some ideas for the night, and I'm doing the same tomorrow. There is a flyer being designed as we speak, so watch this space.

Mentally/emotionally, I've been okay. A bit tired, which never puts you in the best frame of mind, but able to cope okay with normal life which is a good sign.

Nice weekend away at a wedding which I'm looking forward to - be good to stay in a hotel, see mates, have some drinks and catch up on some rest hopefully.

All is going well with the flat so far, especially with the budget news today about stamp duty. Thanks Darling.

Girls Do Cry

2010-03-21T20:01:00.002Z

This morning, for the first time in ages I had a massive cry.

It was quite strange, because it seemed to come out of nowhere. I was trying to find a memory stick and came across a letter that I had received from MacMillan - not sure if I have mentioned this before, but a couple of weeks back, I received a letter from the head of cancer support services from MacMillan.

It was expressing condolences from him, and the Chief Exec of MacMillan, handwritten and saying some lovely things about Dunc. It was odd because I remember Dunc saying he had met this guy and that he had had a good chat with him (obviously pre-diagnosis).

As well as the letter, I also found some photos and a memory book that some of Dunc's colleagues had put together for me. It was all a bit too much and a cry was required.

I've had a nice weekend, but have been feeling a bit thoughtful and slightly melancholy. Yesterday I stumbled on a lovely piece that had been written about Dunc on a friend's website the week after he died, and then I looked at the MySpace page of two of the bands that Dunc was in. They both had lovely messages on too. Sometimes the reactions of other people to Dunc's death can really bring it all home again. It's not just me that's lost an amazing husband. Other people have lost a son, a brother, band mate, a great friend, an uncle, a fun work colleague. That really sucks.

Anyway, I did feel better after my cry. The rest of the weekend has been relaxing and good fun - I managed to go to the gym yesterday and run for quite a while - am hoping to build on this achievement and go a couple of times in the week. I also did a bit of shopping for magazines to get decorating ideas (not that I'm thinking about the flat much, honest). lots of eating and drinking too, which I'm going to try and make up for this week.

Another busy week ahead - I'm going to look at the venue for the gig tomorrow, and I have a couple of evenings seeing mates as well as a full week at work. I have a wedding to go to next weekend, and so I have booked a swanky hotel in London on Friday night, as I need to get an earlyish train on Saturday morning to go to Nottingham.

I think things are on track, as much as they can be.

Audit

2010-03-18T20:34:00.003Z

Yesterday it was ten weeks since Dunc died.

In so many ways it feels like a lifetime ago because of everything that I've done in that time. Quick audit - vacate flat, put most possessions into storage, attend my husband's funeral, go on holiday, arrange my husband's celebration, go on holiday, return to work, have offer accepted on flat.

In other ways though, it still feels very fresh, and raw and recent, and this isn't surprising either - we spent almost 14 years together and did a lot of our growing up together. We were very much in love, and it was a very special and rare thing. I think this is what has helped me through this situation and the 'process' so far - I don't have any regrets about our time together (apart from the obvious one - that Dunc has gone).

I have been keeping very busy and this week has flown by - two nights out, catching up with friends, and some early nights too (trying to get a bit of balance). Work has been super busy too, which is good.

We now have a date for our gig/club night - 8th May. We also have a confirmed band already, and plenty of potential DJs. We're going to meet next week to discuss further - exciting stuff!!!

Think Shower

2010-03-15T13:25:00.002Z

After a flurry of activity last week, I didn't do much over the weekend. A bit of shopping, reading and nice food in the daytime, but I stayed in two nights in a row over the weekend (shock horror), and it felt quite nice.

The flat stuff is moving along nicely - I've already got the solicitors on the case, and the mortgage quote has been readjusted to reflect the price I managed to settle on (in my favour). Should have the paperwork through mid-week, and be able to get stuff moving on that front too.

Maybe as a result of giving myself a rest all weekend, my brain decided to start doing weird stuff as I was trying to get to sleep last night. It just sometimes gets caught in a horrible loop which involves replaying lots of the bad stuff, which obviously I can't change or do anything about. I normally have to just do something else to distract myself for a while by doing other things. This seems to work better than trying to fight against it.

One of my new projects is to try and get a gang of us together to play some music. Dunc and I had started working on some ideas, but they never really got off the ground (although we had a lot of fun with it) and I'd like to be able to do some more music. Basically I'm a massive show off.

I also had an email about a venue that is offering it's space for free in London, so we could possibly arrange a club night there. Have put out some feelers and a few people seem to be keen to get involved, so hopefully that'll get off the ground too.

It's always been in my nature to keep busy and plan things, and I guess that's something that isn't going to change just because I have had a supremely shit thing happen to me. In fact, if anything, I suppose it's going to go into overdrive a bit. Keeping busy seems to work for me.

A lot of this time for me at the moment is about finding my way. If it means going a bit plan/project-tastic, then so be it.

Adult Activities

2010-03-13T08:22:00.002Z

After my slight dip and resulting blog on Monday, the rest of my week has been very busy and I've been feeling okay.

On Monday evening I went back to one of the flats that I had viewed on Saturday to have another look and take lots of photos. On Tuesday I went back again with a mate to check it out by night and meet the downstairs neighbour (she seemed lovely).

On Wednesday I requested the HIP and was out in the evening to meet a friend for dinner. On Thursday I put an offer in and went out again for dinner. Yesterday (after a bit of haggling) my offer has been accepted!!

How am I feeling about all of this? Well, after the initial 'shit, this is scary' reaction, I'm very very excited. I've been trying not to think of the flat as mine, and I know that it still isn't until the contracts are exchanged, but it is all very exciting. As I think I mentioned before, the flat could do with a bit of love, as it's an ex-rental, but it'll be good to have a project I think.

Is it all too soon to be happening? I guess, I won't know until I'm actually in there, but it feels right. All the way through recent events I've just had to go with what's right. Going back to work was a step towards 'normality', and I think the next step is testing out my new life on my own. I am very good at keeping busy, and that's a strategy that seems to be working for me so far.

This weekend I am hoping to rest a bit though. I've got an annoying cold, which is making me feel a bit 'yuk' so hopefully I can just do lots of sitting and relaxing this weekend.

Once I've sorted the mortgage out, that is.

Block

2010-03-08T14:05:00.005Z

Had a good rest yesterday, but still manged to go for a run (which hurt) and get my hair cut.

I'm still mulling over the potential flat, and am going for a second viewing tonight. I'm finding it a bit daunting to be honest and although I have lots of great mates to bounce ideas off, ultimately the financial comitment is mine alone. Plus, it'll just be me living in the property, which is also a bit terrifying as even when I had my own flat years and years ago, Dunc practically lived there.

I've a been a bit wobbly on and off the last couple of days, and this morning I woke up with a start and then couldn't get back to sleep properly (thanks brain).

Today at work hasn't been the most productive ever, due to kids not bothering to turn up and computer systems not working. This has made me a bit edgey - I hate being bored at work. I went onto Facebook briefly, and for some reason decided to have a look at my friend Ben's Facebook profile. Ben passed away just over a year ago - he had liver cancer, and was in his late twenties. I remember when Dunc and I went to his memorial service, and we were saying how unfair and sad it all was. I realised today that Dunc died exactly eleven months after Ben did.

I really, really miss Dunc at the moment. I know it's early days at just over two months since he died, and some days certainly are better than others. It's strange the things that can set you off, it can be so unexpected.

There's been lots of bad news on the MacMillan forum recently too. A lady who I have been in touch with on and off since Dunc's diagnosis lost her husband the other day, and another lady's husband is very, very ill and has been refused further treatment. Reading about other people's experiences makes me appreciate how peaceful and dignified Dunc's passing was, but it also brings back lots of unhappy memories.

I know there's no answers or anything that anyone can say to make things better, I suppose I just have to take care of myself as much as possible, and trust that things will slowly get easier.

Is Crying In Your Sleep Multi-tasking?

2010-03-07T08:24:00.003Z

My first week back at work has gone well, I think.

After the first day in the office I got on with my usual work, so I have been in schools, and seeing clients in the office. My job is very distracting, because it's all about other people and the kids can be very interesting and entertaining at times. I did worry about whether discussing 'the future' might feel strange, but it's been okay. So it appears that I can still do my job.

As well as work, I've been pretty busy in other areas of my life too. I've managed to get two mortgages agreed in principle, and I have started the flat hunting process. I've potentially found one that I like, and having slept on it, I'm planning to go back for a second look early in the week. It's a bit of a project, but that's what I need. It has lots of space, a garden for my cats (I am planning to be the mad cat lady) and is near transport to work and friends.

I've also had some nights out with friends. One of whom, was a 'virtual' friend until this week. Her partner has a similar diagnosis to Dunc's and we've been following each other's blogs for a while now. It was so good to meet her - she's really warm, funny and strong (argh, said it).

I have managed to eat more fruit (yeah) but not do much exercise (boo). That's something to aim for next week.

Yesterday was the two month anniversary of Dunc's death. It's strange how these markers affect you. I have been doing some crying, and the sadness does come and get you unexpectedly sometimes, but I do think I'm doing okay.

Professional Widow

2010-03-01T21:25:00.000Z

First day back at work then.

I fell asleep at about 9:15 last night, partly due to going out for lunch and having a few beers, then going to a bar and having a glass of wine, and then going to a pub and having a few more beers. Hardly the best preparation for my return to the work force, but I do love a bit of Sunday afternoon drinking - it just feels so right (and a bit naughty).

Going to sleep so early had the inevitable effect of waking early - at 5:30am to be exact. I managed to doze on and off until my alarm at 6:50. It felt strange heading in on the train from the opposite direction - into London rather than out of it. I keep forgetting that I don't live in London at the moment, and every so often it freaks me out a bit.

Anyway, the journey was fine, and took about the same amount of time as it used to from Tottenham. I arrived into the office and sat at my desk. I had some bits and bobs to go through, including my secret santa gift (chocolates) and a few Christmas cards addressed to Dunc and I, which caught me a bit off guard to be honest.

I managed to settle in to the day though and actually feel like I got quite a bit done. Had some nice chats with people. Lots of people asked about the trip to Hong Kong first, before asking about how I'm doing generally. This approach was a good one I think. No-one avoided speaking to me, which was a relief.

I had another moment at lunchtime as this would be the part of the day when I would give Dunc a call to see how he was doing - this is something we did both pre and post diagnosis. It's the little things that make you stop and yearn for someone. I got through it though, like I've already got through previous moments like that and will continue to do.

Tomorrow I'm going back into school, which is a good thing I think. I was a bit worried that I'd be told to stay in the office for the whole week, but luckily it's just too busy for any messing about.

I am totally shattered now though - it's 21:37 and I think I'm going to try and read until 22:00 before I put the light out to try and ensure I wake by the alarm. Rock and roll. I tell you what, this work lark is very tiring.

E17 Massive

2010-02-28T07:30:00.004Z

I managed to stay up until about 10:30pm on Thursday night and then slept through to the morning. Ha! Screw you jet lag!!

I decided to have a bit of a duvet day, and lounged about reading for most of the morning. In the afternoon I headed into London. I got my monthly travel card sorted in preparation for my new commute into work from Essex. The travel card picture is appalling (as they should be). I also have to renew my driving licence photo, and because you aren't allowed to smile or have any facial expression in the picture, I look like I'm either about to kill myself, or possibly someone else.

I went to Brixton in the evening to have a few drinks, and some dinner with mates, and then headed out to a gig. Then more drinks afterwards, so I didn't go to bed until 3:30am. I have decided that when I start back at work I am going to try and eat more healthily and get into a routine with exercise and I suppose generally be a bit kinder to myself. My body will be a temple (at the moment it feels like a run down community centre).

I woke up at about 8am the next day, and had several cups of tea before Rich and I headed to Walthamstow to start the flat hunting process. I managed to register with five estate agents. There was such a difference in attitude among them. The first and last one I registered with seemed the most positive and there were quite a few properties that seem to meet my criteria (within 15 mins of the tube, garden space, two bedrooms, not too pristine so I can do it up as a project, not appearing to be about to collapse). I'm going to set up some viewings for next weekend, when hopefully I'll have a mortgage agreed in principle. Ekkkkk!!

After a pie and mash lunch, we took a stroll up to the Lloyd Park area to have a nose about, as there's lots of nice properties around that way. It seems like a really nice area - art gallery in the park, the William Morris gallery and a few shops on the way. On the way back we found a theatre pub which has exhibition space, craft nights and a bit of a community feel about it. I like.

So, the good news is, I can afford to live somewhere that seems nice, is an easy commute for my job and has good transport links into the rest of London. Phew.

I had a bit of a moment when I thought about the plans that Dunc and I had for the future, which included buying a place together, and all the normal stuff that involves looking ahead, and assuming you have a future together, as couples in their thirties should be able to do, and often take for granted. I'm not going to talk in cliches, but 'make the most of the time that you have', 'live life to the full', 'be thankful for what you have' - Dunc and I did all of that stuff, and I'm determined to carry on with that way of living.

Today I am planning to have quite a lazy day, in preparation for my first day back at work, which includes a performance review, although I'm guessing actually going into work once in a while might improve my performance.

I do need to buy some folders to keep all the house info in though. More admin beckons - hurrah!!

Home

2010-02-25T15:04:00.004Z

I am currently operating on an hour's sleep within the last 48 hours, and a lot of coffee, so apologies in advance if this blog reads like the ravings of a mad woman (even more than normal).

We arrived back in London at 5am this morning, and in an attempt to beat jet lag this way round I am staying awake until tonight.

Our last few days in Hong Kong were really good fun. On Tuesday I went to the Big Bhudda (rather than 10,000 little ones). This involved getting the tube over to another island and then taking a rather alarming cable car ride across some water. It was a bit of an adventure and the weather was amazing - brilliant sunshine and blue skies. On Wednesday we checked out of our hotel and then wandered around the shops and arcades. We had a couple of hours to kill before our flight so we went for a few drinks (surprise, surprise). A nice end to a really good holiday.

A slightly strange thing happened in the bar that we were drinking in. The lady from behind the bar came over to me and told me that the hair slide I was wearing 'was no good'. When I asked her what she meant, she told me that the way I was wearing my hair is how Chinese ladies wear it when they are in mourning. How appropriate.

I've had quite a busy day today - bits and bobs to sort out. I decided to email my colleagues to 'warn' them that I was going back to work next week and just let them know that I am capable of talking about Dunc without crumbling into tiny bits. It would be a bit odd if no-one mentioned it at all. I've had some lovely responses already, so I'm really glad I did it. I also spoke to a few mortgage brokers, so I'm on the case to get that sorted in the next couple of weeks. This weekend I'm planning a visit to Walthamstow to check it out and register with some estate agents.

I do feel as though I'm doing okay. Obviously I miss Dunc like mad. He's in my thoughts most of the time, but then he always was anyway, before the diagnosis. It's quite nice, and not too sad most of the time.

With everything that has happened in such a short space of time, there's so much to process - the diagnosis and grieving that we did together. The amazing chats and incredibly precious and special times that we had with each other, which I am so grateful for. Sadness about the stress and pain he had to go through. Relief that he doesn't have that any more and grief that can be so painful, because he isn't around any more. That sadness is for me and for him. It's so unfair, but I don't think concentrating on that it at all helpful, so I try not to as much as possible.

As I've said before, it's a process. I'm entering a new phase this week. All I can do is take it a day at a time.

HK Part Two

2010-02-21T12:20:00.003Z

So here's another update from HK.

We still haven't really nailed the jet lag to be honest, and have been living a slightly nocturnal lifestyle, which entails getting up pretty late and then staying up pretty late (4:30am last night). This isn't really a massive issue - we are on holiday after all, and can do what the hell we want.

We're both feeling a little run down today (Neil thinks it is either SARS, swine flu or maybe the plague), so we have taken it easy and I am going to attempt an early night. Tomorrow we are off to see the peak, which is one of the 'must do' things in HK. I think we are going to go to the New Territories on Tuesday, which apparently is more like old China - there is a temple of 10,000 Buddas (which does seem a little excessive). On Wednesday we are flying back quite late, so we're planning to check out of the hotel and do some shopping, eating and sitting around before heading to the airport (I might get a massage).

My head is a bit better than it was. I'm feeling in a bit of a better place than when I first got here. I think it's really important to just let yourself work these things through and not get too worried about the amount of brain dumping that happens on the way - it's part of the process.

I'm now quite looking forward to going back to work, and starting to try and introduce a bit of routine into my life again - there's only so much diversion stuff you can do before reality needs to bite a bit. I need to start working out what my life is going to look like and that's something only I can decide on really.

That's why it's all so exciting/terrifying/sad/a massive question mark.

Hello From HK

2010-02-18T14:42:00.005Z

I didn't expect to blog whilst on holiday, but Neil brought his laptop and we have an unlimited internet connection in the hotel, so here I am.

Since Monday we have arrived in Hong Kong, and we've been doing lots of exploring - so far we've explored the main bits of the main Island of Hong Kong, including the harbour, the Teaware Museum and various shopping areas and parks. We've also eaten some amazing food.

Tomorrow we're taking the ferry across to Kowloon to visit the night markets and we've still got the Peak to discover as well as lots of other stuff on the agenda.

I am having a great time, but a combination of jet lag, and the past few weeks has made it a bit of a strange experience for me at times. I guess, first and foremost, I'm not here with Dunc, and that's a very difficult thing to accept. We had so many amazing times on holiday and travelling together, and it just seems so unfair that he can't do any of that any more and it's made me miss him so much.

I think that having now had Saturday, it feels as though I 'should' be approaching a phase where I 'move on'. Not sure what that means, but the reality is that I start back at work on the first of March, which I know will be strange and difficult at times. Since Dunc died, I've been living in a little bubble of unreality, and there's always been something Dunc related to focus on, whether that was admin, the funeral, celebration or just having fun with my friends. Now it feels as though I have to start doing important and tricky things (like work and looking for a flat), and the one person I've always turned to first to talk this stuff through with, I can't. I suppose I'm quite scared about what that all means for me.

I know that I have so many friends who will continue to help and support me, but I have to do some of this on my own, and after over 13 years of being with someone who understood me so well, and who loved me unconditionally, that sucks.

I don't want anyone to think that I'm having a bad time away, I'm really not, but when you can't get to sleep until 6:15am, this stuff goes round and round in your head. This is just my way of getting some of it out of my head in an attempt to get some sleep tonight. That old chestnut, eh?

Celebrating

2010-02-15T11:38:00.002Z

Saturday was an amazing day.

I had been feeling nervous about it, and I really wanted it to be a fitting tribute to Dunc. It certainly was. Sarah and I spent the first part of the morning primping and drinking tea, and then got to the venue for 11am.

We started setting up and then ran into some technical difficulties as there was no sound coming out of the PA system. This was obviously going to cause problems as we wanted to play music, and had a video with pics of Dunc set to music to show everyone. After a slight freak out on my part it all started to work.

Then my MP3 player decided to freeze. I have already mentioned that Dunc's did the same thing earlier in the week, but then my MP3 player, which had the entire play list on, which I have had for over two years with no hassle, just completely conked out. Not needed really, but Dunc's was now working luckily so I managed to calm down by the time people started to arrive. The venue opened at 12, and by 12:15 I looked around and it was really full.

At 1pm we did the 'speeches' all of them were amazing - Dunc's mum spoke an unprepared speech, totally from the heart and I was so proud of her for doing it. Adam and Adrian's speeches really captured the essence of schoolboy Dunc and Neil finished by saying a few words and then getting us all to sing one of Dunc's songs in the round. Perfect.

The day was a mixture of emotions - lots of laughter and a few tears, but loads of love. There was such an incredible mixture of people there - work colleagues, uni friends, school friends, band mates, some of the nursing staff from UCLH and mates old and new. I reconnected with loads of people I haven't seen in years, which was a precious thing. Whilst Dunc's video played, I stood in the DJ booth and was looking around at all the people who had turned up to celebrate Dunc. I felt so proud.

At about 5pm we moved venues and people started to drift away gradually. I myself was exhausted by 9pm and went back to the hotel for bath and bed.

I'm going to read a lot of the cards and comments when I get back from hols as I'm flying to Hong Kong this evening. Thanks to everyone who came on Saturday and for all your energy and love. It was a good day.

Fitter Happier

2010-02-11T23:11:00.002Z

I woke up feeling much better than yesterday. I realised at 9pm last night that it was the first week that I had 'missed' the weekly anniversary of Dunc's death. The last few weeks I've woken up and straight away noted the day and calculated how long it has been. When the time approaches I've felt nervous and that I've had to mark the moment in some way. So maybe I felt a bit odd yesterday because I'd subconsciously registered the day of the week and carried that round with me.

The MP3 player charging idea worked, and I played Dunc's playlist through, to see how all the songs sounded together. It's a great mix of tracks and I think it works very well.

I got straight into the shredding today. There was a lot of stuff to sort out and get rid off, and I feel quite a sense of achievement for having done it. I'd emailed my line manger a couple of days ago asking whether I should go into school or the office on my first day back. She got back in touch with me today and told me to go into the office on the first day, which I'm quite relieved about. She was also giving me loads of tips about places to go in Hong Kong, which made me quite excited about the trip away. She did mention that it'd be very rainy at this time of year, which is something I had realised previously, but then I realised I didn't actually have any wet weather gear. This prompted a quick trip to the shops which means the holiday will be a lot more pleasant.

I'm now looking forward to Saturday - I know it'll be emotional, but what a great thing for all the people who loved my amazing husband to be able to come together and celebrate his life. He would have been so proud. I know that I am.

Tomorrow I have to pack for my holidays and pick up currency, then I'm off to London tomorrow afternoon. I'll be back in Essex in two week's time, so apologies in advance for the lack of updates. I will try and do some kind of update after the celebration, but hopefully I'll be seeing most of you there!

A Day Of Doing

2010-02-10T19:53:00.003Z

I felt a bit out of sorts today. In part I think this is in anticipation of Dunc's celebration on Saturday, because I want it to be right.

I spent the morning cleaning up his MP3 player to prevent ghost stories and various other bits of spoken word interfering with the flow of the music on the day, as I'm planning to set it to random and let it play. I then downloaded all of the requested songs onto the playlist, including two that were quite tricky to track down (annoyingly, one of these was my choice).

Felt a real sense of achievement. Unplugged his MP3 player, at which point the screen went blank and I couldn't switch it back on. Balls. Apparently, this is a pretty typical problem with Creative Zens. I've searched for solutions, but it looks as though I may have to press the reset button, thus potentially wiping all of the playlist and all of Dunc's songs.

I've decided to let the battery run down and see if it'll reconnect to my laptop and come to life, but I may need to ask other peeps to bring their MP3 players as a back up plan. I have saved the playlist on my MP3 player and a CD, so that idea will still be happening. I spent a bit of time feeling a bit upset after the whole MP3 incident. The music won't actually be lost, as I have our entire music collection, but I liked the idea of Dunc's MP3 player 'DJing' on the day. I then realised that, like many other things in relation to this situation, I have no control over the situation and will just have to accept it.

I then decided to book a hotel for the Sunday night after the celebration as we fly on Monday afternoon and it's not worth coming back to Essex really. I also thought it would put me in the holiday mood and allow some 'me' time. I went on last minute and booked one of their 'Secret Hotels' - when you book these, you know the hotel facilities, the approximate location and the hotel rating. So imagine my surprise when the 'luxury hotel in Soho' turned out to be the hotel across the road from UCLH, that I stayed in over Christmas. And the night after Dunc died. Oh, well, it's only for the night and it does have a gym.

In the afternoon my sis took me to the storage place, as I have no warm weather clothes and no work clothes, and I'll be needing both of these over the next few weeks. It was a bit strange going through my stuff, and I think that when I do move, I'll have to be selective as to how quickly I sort through things, and also have the option to just hide stuff away for a while.

We were caught up in a bit of a freak snow storm on the way home, and it gave me something else to concentrate on in a weird way. I'm feeling a bit better at the moment - I dyed my hair (and my forehead and my neck and my ears) in preparation for the weekend and I think I might do a bit of pampering tonight.

Tomorrow I have another list of things to do - this includes admin stuff, like shredding old bank statements and sorting out what emails I need to transfer from my old account to the new one and starting to pack for the celebration and holiday. I'm back to London on Friday afternoon. Get me and my jet set lifestyle.

Holiday Reportage

2010-02-09T23:32:00.002Z

I'm back in Essex!!

I had a really lovely time away, but I won't bore you too much. So, to summarise - several lists (what else):

Places Visited

London (Crouch End)

Wolverhampton

Bridgnorth

Birmingham

Worcester (amazing cathedral - I lit a candle for Dunc)

Wales - Llanwrtyd (home of the world bog snorkeling championships), Aberyswyth, and the lovely Elan Valley

Activities

Laughing (lots of)

Talking (lots of)

Cake eating (ditto)

Wine drinking (ditto)

Tea drinking (trend developing here)

Walking (surprisingly)

Concert going

Hot water bottle cuddling (essential)

Whilst I was away, I passed the four week and one month anniversaries of Dunc's passing. It is quite important to me to be aware of these landmarks at the moment. I have been thinking of him so much and missing him so much, but that's as it should be, I think.

When I got back to Chelmsford today I picked up the booklets for Dunc's celebration on Saturday. They are really really good, and I feel so proud that so many of our friends have contributed to them. I'm looking forward to Saturday, although I think it'll be a day of very mixed emotions for me, and for everyone who attends.

I am very determined that it is going to be a celebration though. There really is a lot to celebrate in relation to Dunc.

The next few days will be putting together the finishing touches for Saturday and getting prepared for work. I'm off to Hong Kong on the Monday after the celebration, and get back on the Thursday before I start back at work so reality beckons. Wonder what that will look like...

Stages

2010-01-27T16:46:00.002Z

A better night's sleep last night. I decided to read until I felt tired, and it worked. Well, actually, I was on the laptop for a while reading about bereavement.

I've studied bereavement as part of my counselling course, so I know there are supposed to be stages that you work through - depending on which theory you follow, these are either three stages -shock/denial/acceptance, five stages - denial/anger/bargaining/depression/acceptance or even seven stages - shock and denial/pain and guilt/anger and bargaining/depression, reflection and loneliness/upward turn/reconstruction/acceptance and hope. Great theories, but people don't have to or even need to conform to them, just because someone's found labels to place on this stuff.

I also read a few articles where it said that after the funeral you may reach a new phase, but really don't expect to feel okay for at least a few months. Not sure any of this stuff helped really. I don't think I'm going mad and I don't always feel sad. Am I in the denial phase?

I also looked at a website for a charity called the WAY Foundation (Widowed and Young). There is a very moving section on the website called 'Remembering', where you can read other people's stories and tributes to their lost partners http://www.wayfoundation.org.uk/remembering.htm . It made me weep a bit, but it was also a reminder that lots of people are going through and have gone through the same emotions/crap as me. One woman wrote about how she 'can't stop', so she has written lots of 'to do' lists and has signed up for lots of different activities. She is scared of stopping. That really struck a chord with me of course.

That said, I haven't done loads today. I stayed in bed until lunchtime, but have sorted a few bits and bobs out with the venue for Dunc's celebration, and the booklet is almost completed. I called the printers and I'll pop in tomorrow to drop them off. I'm really pleased with how it's all shaping up. I really hope the day will capture some of the essence of Dunc's personality, and be a fun day, as well as having some sad bits. Hopefully it will give Dunc's mates and family a chance to come together to share and remember. There's a lot of fun stuff to remember, where Dunc's concerned that's for sure.

I also went for a run, and did a bit of Wii fit stuff so I am feeling quite virtuous.

Tomorrow I am heading to London after going to the printers. The plan is to meet up with a mate for a drink or some dinner late afternoon, then meet another mate to book a holiday, then head to the Midlands to visit some good friends over the weekend, then head to Wales for a few days with another friend to stay in a cottage and go for nice walks and cream teas.

So, I have lots of fun stuff planned over the next week. It's unlikely that I will be updating regularly over this period. As Kilroy used to say, 'take care of yourselves and each other'. Back in a week or so.

The Make Up

2010-01-26T15:21:00.006Z

Although I got off to sleep okay last night I woke up in tears at 6:30 after having had a horribly real feeling nightmare. It's strange how your brain filters through information and emotions, and then throws them back at you when you're trying to rest.

My sister had the day off and so we strolled into town. Had another wobbly moment in Paperchase (of all places) when I saw the 'To My Husband' Valentine cards. I didn't get to give Dunc one of those, but then there's about a million things I could choose to get upset about. Sometimes these things just hit you hard. I think I am feeling a bit rawer after yesterday after all.

We did a little bit of shopping (I bought a guidebook to Mexico, a potential holiday destination after Dunc's celebration - very exciting). Whilst we were in a department store I decided to look at one of the make up counters. This is something I don't normally do, mainly because the make up is about ten times more expensive than the stuff I normally buy and also because the women who staff those counters generally terrify me. The woman behind the counter asked if she could help and then offered to give me a make over.

This is not something I would agree too, but today I did. Mainly because I was feeling a bit rubbish, and looking a bit rubbish, and couldn't see how anyone could make it worse. The woman turned out to be really nice. She asked me if I was off work today and I said I was taking a bit of time off at the moment. I decided to tell the truth about it all and explained about Dunc. There was a slight moment of shock, when I felt a bit guilty for hitting her with too much info, but then she recovered and seemed to accept me as a challenge (good on her). There was another moment when she asked how long we'd been married. 'Less than two months' is the answer, to make it even more tragic.

She did a good job, and totally out of character for me, I spent quite a bit of money on make up. It felt quite good.

Went for lunch with my sis, and felt a bit better. When we got home I felt exhausted, and had a bit of a nap, then cooked some nice dinner for us all. This evening has been very Dunc celebration focused. I want to get the booklet to the printers by Thursday afternoon as I'm away most of next week. The format of it is there pretty much, I just need to get it converted to a JPEG from Word, which I have been fighting with this evening.

My friend sent me a copy of the video that will be played at Dunc's celebration - loads of pictures of Dunc and mates, set to the music that Dunc chose himself. It is really lovely - if there is a dry eye in the house on the 13th by then end of that baby I'll be surprised!!

Hopefully I will be able to sleep better tonight. I do feel pretty tired. Hopefully it will be a peaceful and restful night. If not, there's always the make up!

Ceremonial Duties

2010-01-25T20:15:00.003Z

Dunc's cremation was today. It has been quite a gap between his death and the service due to the times that the funeral directors could offer because of Christmas and the time of year generally. My sis and I headed to Peterborough yesterday and checked into the hotel. We made full use of the gym and spa facilities and it was quite a relaxing afternoon.

In the evening we met up with Dunc's folks for dinner. Dunc's dad had produced a little booklet for the day which he showed me.It was lovely and Dunc's dad had written a lovely piece about Dunc inside. I'm glad I saw it the night before rather than on the day as I think it would have upset me to see it on the day.

I felt quite relaxed before bed, but ended up having a pretty rubbish night's sleep. Loads of thoughts about the next day and a general recap over most of the upsetting crap from the last few months. It took me two hours to get to sleep and then I kept waking up every hour.

When it was time to get up I felt a bit nervous, almost pre-gig nervous. We got ready and set off to the crematorium. The rest of the family arrived and then I was introduced to the undertaker and the vicar.

Then the hearse arrived and Dunc's casket was lifted out. The casket itself was an environmentally friendly wicker one which was nicer than a somber looking coffin. There were white roses on top (as we'd had at our wedding). All these traditions are a bit strange really. I guess there's something around respecting the dead about them, but Dunc was one of the most irreverent people I have ever known.

The ceremony itself was nice enough. It lasted about half an hour and included music from Ride (Dunc's choice), REM and The Beyond (his brother's and sister's choice). The vicar did some prayers and standard readings. It was a little bit more religious than my own tastes (won't go into it now, but if there is a God, why on earth would 'He' have subjected such a lovely person to such pain and suffering at such a young age etc etc). I also did a reading. I was a bit worried that I'd start crying during the reading, but I managed to make it through.

Then it was over. There was a slightly amusing bit at the end when the curtains that were supposed to draw round the casket jammed (Dunc would have enjoyed that), then we headed off for some lunch. It was nice to relax with everyone and we swapped some stories and had some laughs.

All in all, a nice enough day. I'm not sure if it felt significant for me particularly, but I guess this stuff is part of the rituals of life/death. Hopefully I will be able to sleep better tonight. I'll leave you with the reading I did today. I really like the sentiment and am trying as much as possible to live this way.

We can shed tears because he has gone;
or we can smile because he has lived.

We can close our eyes and pray that he will come back;
or we can open our eyes and see all that he has left.

Our heart can be empty because we cannot see him;
or we can be full of the love we have shared.

We can turn our back on tomorrow and live for yesterday
or we can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

We can remember him and only that he has gone
or we can cherish his memory and let it live on.

We can cry and close our minds, be empty and turn our back
Or we can do what he would want: smile, open our eyes, love and go on

Flat Free

2010-01-23T13:53:00.002Z

Another mammoth update as I've been up to lots of stuff over the last few days.

Wednesday

I headed into London with my sis in the morning and went to the flat. The bedroom had already been painted white (over the teal and Wedgewood green) and it looked so different. Really cold and 'not us'. I was a bit worried about going to the flat for the last time as I thought I might wig out a bit, but it was actually completely fine. At no point have I doubted that moving out has been the right thing to do.

The cleaner arrived and I had a quick chat with her to show her what needed to be done (felt a bit weird about issuing orders to her - 'clean that, it's dirty' but it is her job I guess). There was a moment where she was asked me where I was moving to. I explained that my husband had just died and I think it got a bit lost in translation because there was a pause and then she smiled at me and said, 'that is good news'. Didn't pursue that.

I went off to the shops and for some lunch. My landlord called and told me that he'd leave a cheque with the downstairs neighbours and just to leave the keys on the kitchen table. I got my deposit back and I didn't have to speak to him. My landlord clearly couldn't remember my name because the cheque was blank and the envelope was addressed to 'K' with 'GOOD LUCK!!!' written underneath. Well, I guess we've only lived there for eight sodding years.

In the evening I met up with a mate for some dinner and to pass on some of the photos that I've scanned in over the last few days as he's going to help me organise them for the celebration.

Thursday

Thursday was a day of pampering and luxury (because I'm worth it). A nice lunch out and then off to a spa with a friend for some sauna, steam and facial and a massage. It was so lovely.

Just a quick note on grief. Like after Dunc's diagnosis, people often say that they are thinking of me, and that is lovely, and it means so much to know how many people care. But there is a guilty element to it as well, because I am not sitting in black next to a photo of Dunc crying (most of the time). Grief comes and goes and can be many different things. I started my grieving when Dunc got ill, and then more so after the diagnosis.

Grief can sneak up on you in strange ways, like when I think, 'I'll have to tell Dunc about that' or 'I'll ask Dunc what he thinks about this'. Most of the time I feel okay though. I am not in denial and I do know that he's gone, but I also feel a sense of peace with that. Maybe because we had so much fun and he left behind so many happy memories.

After the spa experience we got given some 'bubbly' and then went to an amazing roof top bar for a glass of champagne. I recommend the Park Lane Hilton bar to you all. Ace venue for a date or proposal or just to treat yourself.

After the bar we checked into a hotel in Bayswater ready for some shopping in Notting Hill the next day. Had dinner out and a good night's sleep (despite the fact that the room was hotter than the sun).

Friday

Shopping and chatting in Notting Hill. It was a lovely day. I bought a dress for Dunc's celebration. It is so appropriate and when I saw it I had 'a moment'. Also bought some books. When Dunc was ill I couldn't concentrate for long enough to be able to read books but I'm getting back into it now.

We met up with another mate and then prepared for the disco. Went to an old favourite of ours and did some stupid crazy dancing. Dunc was missed very much for his selection of dances. Home at 5am and then up at 10am to catch the train back to Chelmsford.

I am shattered, but in a good way. It's been a lovely few days for me and I feel like I've allowed myself to relax and have fun.

Dunc's cremation is on Monday and I'm not sure how I feel about it really. I think it's something you have to go through (although I'm not sure why exactly). At least after Monday I can focus on the fun things and the celebration event, which I think will be a bit more 'Dunc'. Maybe it will become clearer on Monday. I'll let you know.

Memories

2010-01-18T17:52:00.002Z

I managed to have a lie in this morning - the physical activity of the last few days coupled with the relief of getting everything stored must have done it.

My priority this morning was tying up the last few loose ends from the flat, so I started called around to get quotes for cleaners. I was quoted a range of prices from almost £200 to £75. I went with the cheapest quote as the flat is falling apart, and I am prepared to forfeit the damage deposit, as I didn't give the required month's notice to vacate.

The cleaner booked, I called my landlord. This was an interesting call, as he was in the flat as I rang. He started complaining to me about the state of the furniture and kept saying, 'I'm not having a go, but...' and 'I won't be able to let the flat with red walls in the living room'. I have photos of the flat from when we moved in, and we made it more of a home than when we moved there. He has visited the flat many times over the last eight years and was well aware of the colour of the walls so I don't know why it was such an issue all of a sudden. If I was him I'd be more concerned about the subsidence and damp seeping through the walls. I pointed out to him that the flat was not exactly in tip top condition when we moved in but let him go on for a bit. He then moved on to how sorry he is about Dunc etc etc, but by then I'd had enough of him. Upshot is, I will be rid of any obligations to the flat by Wednesday afternoon. Phew.

The rest of the day was spent sorting through photos (of which there are loads) in preparation for the celebration event. I thought it would make me really sad, but is was actually loads of fun. I'd rigged up Dunc's MP3 player and put it on the random/most played option. So Dunc was kinda DJing all day. Kinda.

There was loads of stuff I'd forgotten about - holidays, nights out and gigs. One thing that struck me is how young we both looked in some of the pictures. I guess we were just emerging from our teens when we met each other and we did change in so many ways (for the better, mostly as a couple) but it was lovely being reminded of all the good stuff again. There's a hell of a lot of it.

Anyway, I reckon I've got through half of our 'analogue' photos and all of our digital pics. I'm starting work on the booklet for the celebration day now. Any further contributions gratefully received!

Stored

2010-01-17T16:31:00.003Z

More busy days recently.

Actually, Friday was quite relaxing. I went and set up the storage space rental. This involved more admin again (yeah). The original space that I had booked looked too small. On the website it had stated that it was big enough for a two bedroom flat, but that must be the flat of people who haven't got any possessions and very little furniture. It was good to get it all set up and ready for the big move the day before. There was actually quite a lot to go through including the insurance and security codes, rules and regs etc.

After the storage space my sis and I went to the gym. In hindsight, going to the gym twice in two days just before a weekend of moving was probably a bit silly, especially as I haven't been exercising much recently. Anyway, we did a bit of sauna/steam/jacuzzi too, which was lovely.

After the gym we headed into town for some food. Nice dirty burger and a beer. Did a bit of shopping too and I bought a dress to wear to Dunc's cremation - it's a lovely lilac colour (no black for me thanks) and is quite fitted. I tried it on, and it seemed just right - I know Dunc would have appreciated it. It cost more than I would usually spend on a dress, but I think this is one occasion I can justify spending a bit of money on. I also got a coat to wear on the day. We stopped off for a bottle of wine in a bar on the way home. It was nice to have a bit of a chat and rest. My sis asked me if I feel as though Dunc has gone. I think I do - I keep testing myself to check. The thing is with grief, it creeps up on you when you don't expect it. Generally I feel pretty stable, but funny little things make me cry. This is all okay and what I expect I think.

Saturday was phase one of the move. A mate had very kindly offered to help and owns a van so we set off for London. We managed to load the van very quickly with all of the boxes that we had already packed. A small army of people arrived to help us. It was so sweet - all these people giving up their Saturdays and it made things so much easier. We left them packing more stuff and dismantling things and drove back to Chelmsford. It was all pretty straightforward this side - there are loads of trolleys at the storage place and lifts to get to the room, so it all went very smoothly.

I then got the train back to London and was back at the flat by 3:20. The others had gone for some food and came back with more boxes and packing materials. We worked through until 6ish and it felt as though we'd done most of it by then so we called it a day.

Had a lovely night out - beers, talking, dinner more beers and talking. Too many beers probably. I might tone it down next week - I think I've had alcohol every day since Dunc died.

I woke up this morning with all my clothes on from the night before. Pretty handy really. Taxi to the van hire place. The van hire place turned to to be inside an old school local shop. It was all a bit strange - they sold things that I've never seen before like starch for shirts. The guy in charge of van hire wasn't there when we arrived so I called him and he turned up a little later. The whole operation was very budget and there was a strange moment when he started showing us photos of the van to let us know where the scratches are - quite silly really because how are we to know when the pictures have been taken or even that they are of the van we were hiring? The van was pretty shonky - doors hard to open, gear stick sticky and strange engine, but it did the job.

More loading, debates about what would fit in the van and a few wobbles from me, but the upshot from today is that we got everything into the van, so just the one trip to Chelmsford from London and it all fits in the storage place. I am very very relieved about all of this.

I saw my landlady today and have agreed to call tomorrow to confirm that I am out of the flat. I'll arrange for a professional cleaner to go in mid-week and meet my landlord to return the keys.

It will feel odd to be officially moved out I think, but so much of why the flat has been home is the times Dunc and I shared there together, and the personal items that we had in our space. I'm not in the right place yet to start pulling any of that apart, so putting it all into storage is like having a buffer at the moment.

I'm all for buffers and giving myself a break.

Three for One

2010-01-14T17:16:00.003Z

It's been a busy few days for me, so apologies for the lack of blogging.

On Tuesday I spent the morning and early afternoon painting the room at my sister's house which will be my temporary home for the next few months (I am allowed in the rest of the house, by the way). It was quite therapeutic to do a practical task, and my sister's choice of colour (stone) is lovely.

On Tuesday evening I headed into London. I went to visit a venue for Dunc's celebration on the way. I had called them earlier in the day and I really liked the manager's attitude when I explained what I wanted the venue for. No over the top sympathy, just a simple acknowledgement of the situation, and then on to what I would need on the day.

The venue is perfect - it's the Chapel bar on Penton Road, so in between Kings Cross and Angel. We will have use of the whole venue, including the upstairs roof terrace 12-5pm on Saturday 13th Feb. There is plenty of space, and we will have use of a projector and sound system (the DJ booth is a pulpit). The plan will be to have a few words from Dunc's friends and family, and then play a compilation of songs that our friends have chosen to remember Dunc. If anyone would like to contribute a song idea, or has any stories or photos that they would like to share, please let me know. Everyone who would like to come is very welcome.

After sorting the venue I went to Soho to meet up with some mates. It was a nice evening, but unsurprisingly I got very very drunk. I also got very emotional, but that needs to happen as part of the process I guess.

On Wednesday morning I headed over to our flat to continue packing. Actually, I had to go back to bed for a while because I felt dreadful. Got up at midday and discovered that there was no electricity. There was a knock on the door and it was my landlady. She just said, "Oh, Catrina, I'm so sorry" and we both burst into tears for a while. She was really nice and although I've told her that I expect the flat to be clear by the end of the weekend, she's not rushing me to leave and hasn't mentioned the lack of notice period.

In the afternoon a mate came over to help with the packing, and I feel as though we've made a lot of progress. It's quite reassuring because with all the pictures off the walls and things in boxes it doesn't feel like home anymore. Unfortunately the boxes that I had ordered didn't arrive, but I will make sure I take some on Saturday so that while some of us load and unload the van, others can put the remaining stuff into boxes.

Pub again in the evening and it was lovely. I had got my days mixed up and thought it was Tuesday. Then someone mentioned something about it being Wednesday and I looked at the clock. At that exact moment it was exactly a week since Dunc passed away and we all toasted him. That felt nice and I'm sure Dunc would have approved.

Today I arrived back in Chelmsford and there was a lovely bunch of flowers on the doorstep from my work colleagues. I called my line manager to thank her and had a quick chat. Yet again my work are being amazing. I will have at least a month off work to allow me to get my head straight but my line manager has told me not to rush back and only come back when I feel ready. I have reassured her that my plan is to come back, so I think we're both relieved!!

This afternoon I went for my gym induction. I had a really long run, and it has done me the world of good - it's so nice to just be able to switch off and focus on your body working. It gives your brain a chance to wander. The sports centre hold free running classes on Saturdays I noticed - I might investigate that further.

Busy busy busy then. Tomorrow I might have a more relaxed day in preparation for the move at the weekend.

Give Me Strength

2010-01-11T16:47:00.006Z

Another day, another round of admin tasks.

I have progressed quite well down my list, and I have discovered that, like a cancer diagnosis, telling other people that you are recently widowed can produce some strange reactions in people.

So a special mention must go to:

The woman from Orange, who told me she knew exactly what I was going through, as her dad died last year of heart attack. Okay then.

She also told me after a ten minute conversation that she could tell I was a strong woman, and that I would get through this okay. Apparently her mum had not taken her dad's death very well at all, and five years on, she wasn't functioning at all well. I ended up reassuring her. All I wanted to do was cancel my broadband account. She didn't even let me off the disconnection fee.

Also, the woman in the post office, who when being told that two mail re directions were required, one for my name, and one for Dunc's name said, 'I hate doing them when people have died'. I checked that I'd heard her correctly, and I had. Apparently, the paperwork is terrible.

I made it into even more of a difficult situation for her by having a different surname to Dunc. I don't know how the poor woman coped.

People now mention 'being strong' a lot, in a very similar way to the way that people referred to 'being positive' in relation to Dunc's cancer diagnosis. I don't know what 'being strong' involves really. My guess is that it is not bursting into tears every five minutes, and making people feel awkward.

It's all meaningless. I think we all get to do exactly what we want in this situation. Dirty protest in Natwest anyone?